


That Feeling When You Realize You're Bi While You're Inside A Whale

by SnapbackThriller



Category: The Boys (TV 2019)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Depression, Despite The Title This Isn't A Crackfic, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, S2E3, S2E5, S2E6, Season 2, Season/Series 02, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Though It Is Hilarious, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, s2e8
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:34:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 26,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26784496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnapbackThriller/pseuds/SnapbackThriller
Summary: Hughie has a lot of thoughts as he sits inside the body of that whale. One is the realization that he has feelings for Butcher, which is a serious problem considering the guy is just a massive dick...(a canon-compliant retelling of season 2)
Relationships: Billy Butcher/Hughie Campbell, Hughie Campbell/Robin Ward, Hughie Campbell/Starlight | Annie January
Comments: 43
Kudos: 323





	1. Season 2, Episode 3

**Author's Note:**

> Might make a second chapter but I don't know. All I know is that this pairing is really interesting to me, and there is not enough fan fiction in this fandom for my tastes, so if others won't do it for you, you have to make it yourself I suppose. 
> 
> Wrote this, had a meltdown.
> 
> Bon appétit.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hughie has a meltdown and realizes he's bisexual while sitting in a whale (pretty self explanatory).

It had been the first time he’d seen Butcher since the man abandoned him in an empty parking lot. Since he abandoned the group. The Boys. So to watch Butcher wander back into their lives as if not a day has gone by. As if he left them in high spirits, and not to rot in a fucking underground CIA institution. Yeah, it’s safe to say Hughie was pretty angry.

And he stayed angry.

He did what he always did with his Dad. Not talk about the way he was feeling and just focus on the menial tasks. He tried that. He really fucking tried.

Obviously it didn’t work forever. 

In fact, getting punched in the face by the person who straight up _bailed_ on you is a pretty intense wake up call.

He didn’t even remember getting off the pavement and moving to sit back down in the van. Had no memory of it at all. He just remembered the red he was seeing behind his vision. The thoughtless sights that wandered past his eyes as he gazed blankly at the opposing wall of the van. The white hot feeling that slowly simmered in his chest.

As he sat inside the whale, considering the events in his life that led him to this moment, he briefly got that _small taste_ of what he’d been missing all along. A moment of _fucking peace_ . He caught a brief glimpse of peace for the first time in weeks sitting next to the heart of what was _probably_ an orca. He didn’t have enough knowledge of whales to know. Not that it mattered. His mind was wandering to things that didn’t even matter. Like ‘what kind of whale am I in’ and not ‘why the fuck am I in a goddamn whale’. 

‘Welp, that’s probably the issue then’ he briefly thought as his eyes sank in defeat and he stared blankly at the hole they had forged in the animal. 

And then he saw Butcher… motioning to him. Hughie’s ears were not even catching the sounds of what he was saying.

And then his eyes narrowed.

Something about the man just riled him wrong. Or right, depending on how you look at it. Hughie had never considered himself ‘passionate’. Sure, he had passions, goals and ambitions just like anybody else, but he wasn’t ‘passionate’ about any of them. 

Until he met Robin...

And then again when Robin died.

See, Hughie wasn’t raised to be the ‘feeling’ type. The hard thing to admit about his childhood was that he never really allowed himself to _feel_ things strongly. He was reserved. He held himself back. Often on purpose, but sometimes just out of plain hesitation.

_Fear._

He was, and always has been plagued by fear. Fear of change, or the unknown? He honestly didn’t know. Or maybe it was the feeling of sitting still. Of becoming complacent. Of feeling no true motivation to pursue the things he wanted.

That was something he always had trouble with. That drive that pushed people to achieve their dreams. He didn’t have that. It wasn’t that he didn’t want it. His life up until Robin had been relatively empty, honestly… and not in an emo way or any ‘My Immortal’ shit like that, just… in a blank way. Like an untouched piece of paper just waiting for someone to write on it. 

The problem was that he wasn’t a writer, theoretically or literally. He couldn’t create that for himself. He was the type of person that _needed_ someone to write for him. To create something through him… and Hughie almost laughs at how ridiculous it sounds but it is a hundred percent true. 

He needs a _muse_.

He needs a fucking muse or he’ll just stay seated forever, waiting for the black void to inevtiably take him.

It fucks him up to realize that.

So of course, you find that drive for the first time in your life and you feel _focused._ Like wearing a pair of fucking glasses after a lifetime of seeing without them only to realize you’re _blind as fuck_.

He needs someone to push him into the deep side of the pool. To fill him with passion. To give him the kick he needs to get up and go to work in the morning.

Otherwise it’s all for nothing.

So you find that; the thing you were looking for your entire life, and then… it pops right in front of your fucking eyes.

Once again, both figuratively and literally.

And you’re filled with an entirely _new_ drive now, but it's different from how it was before. That original feeling was _pure_ and _positive_ . This new thing… it’s twisted and fucked up and _angry_ . So fucking angry. It’s just _raw emotion_ , which is something Hughie hasn’t been allowed to feel since…

Well, since his Mom left.

But even then, that feeling was suppressed. In a way though, her just leaving was simpler than Robin's death… _cleaner_ at the very least.

It wasn’t his girlfriend splattered all over the fucking curb while a man in a blue track suit says ‘he can’t stop’ and just _fucking leaves._ I mean, could you imagine?

Hughie fucking could. 

But so could Butcher.

From the very start, Hughie could catch vibes that this wasn’t very healthy. It just wasn’t. He went from having everything he needed in life to having that nuked right in front of him. Back to _square fucking one._ He _needed_ Robin, in a lot of ways that would probably take a lot of therapy to fix about himself, but unfortunately therapy is expensive, and Hughie didn’t exactly have stellar health care so... Butcher it was.

He just couldn’t keep sitting at home and watching the man that killed her _lie about her_ , _constantly_ . He’d get up there with his PR team and apologize while _blaming_ her for _his_ crime. Hughie didn’t even feel like he could go outside anymore. And it probably wouldn’t have even been so bad if the man’s face weren’t _haunting him_ goddamn _everywhere he’d go_. 

Deep down, he knew it was killing him. Pretending that things were fine. He’d do it for his Dad, obviously, but it never went away. The feeling. It just got worse.

Butcher offered him relief to that feeling, because as stupid as it sounded to admit it, Butcher just had a way with Hughie. He knew what made him tick, and he knew exactly what strings he could strum to make a chord. At first Hughie was oblivious to it. It was just something that helped make the hole feel less empty inside him. Helping Butcher. Then, he started to realize what Butcher was doing.

At the end of the day, it was _manipulation_. The sad thing about it was that Butcher probably didn’t even realize he was doing it. Like it was just his natural instinct to push people this way. 

He’d push and push and _keep pushing_ until everyone involved had fallen off the cliff some time ago. He was a fucking _bulldozer_ of a man, just pushing everything in his path towards his one goal. 

Even if it meant destroying everyone and everything in his way.

Yet, as fucked up as it was, a bulldozer was exactly what Hughie needed. So he allowed himself to be pushed, because it was the same direction that he wanted to go. Right over the fucking edge. 

He needed to feel like he was doing _something_ for Robin. Something to give him peace and a sense of justice being restored. Or maybe he just wanted to feel like he could still have faith in the world. Faith in humanity. Everything about what happened to Robin just _broke him_.

He was so desperate to _do something_ that he stumbled right into somebody who just might make him do it.

He had found a new muse.

It was hard to look back at all that time and realize that he had _definitely_ been suicidal. He apparantly _still was_ suicidal, even though he knew deep down that he would never commit suicide. So having a cause to die for was his replacement. He felt _useful_ , and that emotion filled enough of the void to keep him functioning, and Butcher _had_ to know that.

‘Of course he knew’ Hughie thought to himself as he blinked and stared up at Butcher, who was staring down at him intently, trying to pull him out of the whale. Hughie panicked.

“Um, you know what? Y-You guys go ahead, you guys go ahead… I’m good...” he said calmly. More calmly than he felt, obviously. He stared ahead feeling hollow. The bitterness and the drive he felt before had just dissipated. It hadn’t been there for a while. It’s what allowed Hughie to separate himself from Butcher in the first place to go save the Boys, because honestly? Hughie knew deep down that if they’d been taken closer to the start? When Hughie had just joined the team and still had big eyes and excitement? He’d have gone with Butcher. 

Starlight had honestly been his big help in seeing beyond himself and his anger. In feeling like he could move on and be happy again. 

Annie was definitely a muse to him too, but in an entirely different way. Something about being around her just made him feel comfortable in the blankness. Not that she gave him nothing, but that she made nothing _comfortable_ . Like it was a perfectly viable option. Robin used to make him feel that way too. Like something could be drawn on the paper, but they were perfectly ok just setting the pen down and _existing_ . Nothing _needed_ to happen.

It was a weird bond to explain, and entirely different from what he’d feel with Butcher. While Butcher was all raw energy and emotion… feeling alive… Annie was like an aloe. Soft and soothing. Something to feel comforted by. Like a warm blanket, or a bath after a long day.

Butcher was the type that couldn’t even begin to feel that comfort, let alone give it to someone else. Somewhere along those lines, he had lost the ability to sit still. He seemed to always be moving. Always fighting, or working, or _functioning_ for the sole purpose of bringing Homelander to justice. Or more likely than justice... to _death._

They both felt such an immense bond over their shared grief, that they never stopped to think whether any of this was _healthy._ And Hughie _knew_ it wasn’t. Even the disbelieving glare Butcher gave him in response to his words was proof of this knowledge.

He could see Butcher’s gaze shift the minute he mentioned staying. He honestly didn’t even know why he wanted to stay. Maybe he wanted to feel Annie’s comfort one last time so he could _rest._ Really, at the end of the day, that was all there was to it. Hughie was fucking _tired._

“Ay, what?”

Hughie closed his eyes and shook his head as Butcher stared at him in shock. Like his day was being inconvenienced by this temper tantrum, but Hughie knew he was misreading this. They had fought earlier, and in all honesty, Hughie _had_ been angry. So fucking angry. 

Angry at Butcher for bringing him into this, and then abandoning him the minute he outlasted his use. Angry at his own psyche for allowing himself to be manipulated and _used_ by someone just as fucked up and broken as him, and then having to deal with the broken pieces of his fucked up life _without_ the person who had caused it in the first place.

He specifically felt a deep grief over Annie. Over what could have been with her. He knew he fucked up. He’d lied to her and used her for information. He’d put her in danger and dragged her into this deflating circus he called a ‘found family’’. A found family which was _wanted by the authorities,_ by the way. I mean, who fucking does that to a person?

Certainly not somebody with morals.

He blinked again before looking straight up at Butcher.

“Just gonna sit here and wait… if you don’t mind…”

Nah, he wasn’t a good person. He wasn’t bad though either…

He was just so fucking _tired_.

“What the _fuck_ are you _waiting for”_ Butcher muttered, sounding more distressed than previously, but still just as inconvenienced. It was ok. Hughie exhaled heavily and nodded, feeling very at ease with the concept of just resting. Of wiping his hands with this and being _done._ He’d been done with this for a while. Not the cause, but the passion. He still believed in the cause. He fucking _hated_ Vought and would love nothing more than to see the company be burned at the stake. He just wished he hadn’t flushed his whole fucking life down the toilet to get it.

Maybe that’s what he was waiting for…

“My second wind…”

Butcher’s gaze got softer then. It was insane how immediate the shift was. Like he was realizing that Hughie was _actually serious_ for the first time _._ He let out a breath, shifted his body, and reached for Hughie.

“Alright son, c’mon…” he whispered, holding his hand out. 

Hughie didn’t take it.

So Butcher reached again.

It was the culmination of all of these moments. All the lies. All the positive and negative emotions of their fucked up connection. 

Hughie felt the hand grasp his shirt, as if to pull him. This was the culmination of everything wrong between them. Everything that was _unhealthy_ about this.

“GET YOU’RE FUCKING HANDS OFF OF ME” he shrieked. It wasn’t even a sentence that he thought about. It just fell out of him. Like his guts spilling to the floor. He shoved and hit sporadically to get Butcher _away_ from him, and it worked. Butcher yanked back as if he’d been burned, and for a brief moment Hughie breathed heavily and let himself bask in that victory, because _fuck him._ Butcher didn’t give a single shit about Hughie. This whole fucking chirade of trying to save Hughie was for show, and Hughie didn’t want a single thing more from him.

_Fuck Billy Butcher._

He watched, panting as Butcher’s gaze hardened once more. That little glimpse of _something_ was now entirely gone as Butcher retracted his arm and shook his head, 

“Jeez… well fine… suit yourself” he muttered venomously, turning his body and sliding out of the whale. Hughie just nodded as he did it, immediately feeling that small sense of relief and victory vanish into thin air. He fell back into the blankness. The idea that maybe Annie would come and find him. That he could see her one last time before he’s killed. There are worse ways to go, he figures.

And then MM comes in.

“Hey kid…” he says softly, and Hughie can’t even raise his head to look him in the eye.

“What are you doing in here…” Hughie asks, not even bothering to look at the spot where he’s crawling beside him inside the whale. Mother’s Milk just makes himself comfortable (or as comfortable as you can be inside of a dead animal). He places himself down neatly next to Hughie, crossing his arms “You ain’t goin, I ain’t goin…”.

Hughie lets out a sigh of defeat as he realizes he’s not going to be able to rest. He understands why MM is doing it, but he really doesn’t want it to be done.

“They’re gonna be here any second” he whispers, giving a last ditch effort to dissuade him. Of course it doesn’t work though.

“Probably…” 

Hughie finally looks at him. Mother’s Milk is glaring at a piece of intestine with disdain. He’s in here trying for Hughie. He’s actually prepared to die with him, and Hughie knows it. 

Hughie just breathes for another moment, staring at him and letting it sink in that he’s going to get out of this whale and keep going so that MM doesn’t have to prove how far he’s willing to go. That same sense of dread that you feel when you know you’ll have to get up soon. Which is a really stupid anaology considering he was inside a whale, but honestly, Hughie felt so numb that none of that was even registering.

Finally, Hughie huffed and lifted himself up, muttering a quick “asshole” as MM simply gave a “yep”. He pulls himself out of the carcass with MM following close behind, but doesn’t even really feel the steps that he’s taking anymore. He wanders vaguely towards the tunnel, assuming that must be where everyone has gone to. He finds his footing hard to keep track of, stumbling slightly as MM moves to support him.

None of this feels like living. 

He feels like a fucking zombie as MM calls for Frenchie, having the man push him along the path before them. These steps give him moments to get lost inside his head. The almost meditative feeling that washed over him was astounding.

After losing his footing once more, he stumbles against the wall of the sewer, holding himself up but no longer moving forward.

He then almost releases a humorless laugh (which comes out as a soft exhale) when he came to a realization. It hit him so immediately that it baffled him. Just the firmness and the certainty of it.

‘God, I had a crush on Butcher…” 

He had _never_ had a crush on a man before. At least not like that. He’d always told people that he was straight, but would date maybe one percent of guys on the planet. The same way girls would say that they're straight, but would date a woman if it was Beyonce.

God, was he comparing Butcher to Beyonce?

He shouldn’t… they are literally _nothing alike._ Though Hughie did find the realization funny that the last person he compared to Beyonce was Annie…

God, it should have been obvious.

“Move with the feet, just _move the feet, c’mon”_ he was being pushed now by Frenchie as his brain accepted this reality. He had been fucked up and left broken and _somehow_ Butcher filled that void inside him until he turned him into a lovestruck idiot. He would have done _anything_ for Butcher. Hell, he _did do_ anything for Butcher. He threw his whole fucking life away for this. The issue was that he was giving his whole self to someone who gave him _nothing._ Absolutely _nothing._ And he _hated_ to admit that. Because it made him feel fucking stupid.

He knew though. Which was more than he could give his younger self. 

He took step after step through the cold, disgusting sewer as Frenchie continued to push him along. He stared at Butcher’s back, which was turned to him as he stepped forward. He and MM were talking... about what, he couldn’t even begin to guess. Maybe it was about him, but god, he remembered thinking, ‘ _that_ would be a stretch’.

Butcher doesn’t care about him.

Butcher doesn’t care about anything… except Homelander.

That fucker lives in _his_ head rent free.

He realized he was falling behind, but he didn’t care. This was what he wanted right? To be left behind?

God this was all so fucked…

Until he heard a noise… then it got MORE fucked.

He stumbled off to the nearest wall in an attempt to hide himself, breathing heavily with adrenaline and fear as he realized that it was probably futile. If this was really The Seven, he was already dead. He stood still, waiting for either a noise, or death, until he saw a small glimpse of light approaching. He then felt that brief glimmer of hope as he pulled himself out of his hiding spot to see her.

He grinned.

“You got my message…”

They both stared at each other for another moment. Annie looked terrified, but Hughie didn’t think much of it. He just moved closer, finally allowing himself to smile and enjoy something for the first time in _months_.

“Annie, I-”

And then it ended.

Hughie went sprawling to the other end of the sewer. He’d been hit by one of Annie’s beams, and he fell to the floor and slid back against the wall. Annie approached slowly, the shock of the situation still evident on her face as Homelander emerged from another dark tunnel.

He was dead. Literally _nothing_ could save him from this fate. He watched as Homelander looked at him and exhaled like he was looking at a piece of _rotten meat._

“Oh COME ON… you have gotta be fucking _kidding me_ , _THIS GUY-”_

Hughie realizes that he can’t really hear again, the same way he had zoned out Butcher before. The two of them were arguing, Hughie could see that, but he already knew what they were arguing about. And he already knew who would win the argument.

How can you lose an argument when you’re literally bulletproof…

He watched the panic enter Annie’s eyes as she looked at Hughie. Homelander was coming up beside her and moving her arms up. He realized then that this was how he would do it. He would have Annie kill him.

He exhaled, quietly grateful for this unknowing gift Homelander had given him. He’d much rather be killed by the woman he loves than a man he hates. Somehow, it made it sting less. He knew it would be quick and painless. Annie wouldn’t let him suffer. He slowly began to accept his fate, his mistakes, his flaws, his triumphs.

He briefly wondered if Butcher had made it. Maybe this would be his final contribution. Getting the terrorist to Mallory. Getting Butcher back to his wife. This all had a purpose. He could die knowing he succeeded at this one little thing. His one win.

He stared at Annie, and Annie stared back at him. Her gaze was pleading, but for what he couldn’t tell. More time maybe? They both knew that wasn’t possible. He just gazed at her, smiling slightly and nodding. He wanted her to know it was ok. He forgave her. This was what he wanted.

She raised her hands up as her eyes began to glow. He didn’t even see the bright light of her hands as he closed his eyes and smiled. He knew this was it. He was ok with it. He could die happy knowing he succeeded in his own way.

But then he didn’t die. 

The bright light of Annie’s hands dimmed out as a familiar voice echoed through the sewer.

“OY CUNT”

His eyes snapped open.

“William? What a surprise!”

Hughie watched in shock as Butcher stared down Homelander, a feat he never would have imagined to be possible. He could vaguely hear Homelander taunting Butcher, but Hughie knew that was a mistake. Butcher wasn’t the type to be dismayed by taunting. He was driven by it. 

“-Pancakes… mmm, delicious…” he was making an entire act out of the sentence. Hughie starred in panic at Butcher, unsure of what he even planned to do to help him.

“Yeah? Eat this motherfucker…” and then chaos struck. Kimiko’s brother slammed a subway car down onto Homelander, and Hughie vaguely felt Annie plastering herself over him to protect his body. When the rain of rubble finally ceased and he felt Annie pull away, he looked up from his crouched over position. There was an opening in the ceiling, and he barely even registered when Kimiko’s brother took the opportunity and fled.

Guilt washed over him suddenly. Guilt that he caused this. That he should have just died, because now their one shot has just vacated the premises and-

“C’mon Hughie, before that cunt gets out…” 

Hughie unshielded his ears and looked up at Butcher, who was extending his hand to him once more. It was that same look from before. The one that he shielded so quickly when he had shown it previously. This time it was unguarded and serious. He stared down at Hughie like nothing else mattered. Not the superterrorist that just fled the scene, nor the superman that they had just buried who knows how deep in the ground.

He was looking at Hughie like he respected him. Like he actually fucking _cared_ about him. And he _must_ if these were the lengths he was willing to go to for Hughie. Throwing away his one shot at getting his wife back. How could he not take the hand in front of him.

He stared at Butcher another second before looking back at Annie, staring for only a brief moment before she nodded and whispered “Hughie, go… I’ll be fine”.

He nodded, giving her a quick smile before turning back towards Butcher, who was staring at the ground intently. As if he was listening to see if Homelander was approaching.

Hughie started walking again, but this time he felt the need to move his feet. He pushed and pushed forward, following Butcher’s back like it was the doorway to heaven.

It was a long and tense walk. Everyone was desperately trying to find their way out of the winding chasm of hallways. 

Eventually Frenchie called out desperately to alert them of an exit. They all made their way out as Frenchie ran off to go find Kimiko. Hughie followed after Butcher and MM as they made their way back to the safe house.

Everything went wrong. 

Kimiko’s brother died. He was framed for the murder of a fuckton of civilians that Vought had no doubt massacred. Yet, he remembered staring at the television and feeling alive again for the first time in weeks. He had no clue what had changed. He was so ready to give in at the sewers. He felt the pressure of the couch shift as Butcher sat next to him.

He looked up at him and saw the look in Butcher’s eyes as he stared at Hughie. It was a look Hughie had never seen from him before. Or, a correction, he had seen it before, just not in a long time. It was the same look Butcher gave Hughie when he told him about his wife. No venom, or crudeness, just a loving respect… like he cared...

If he weren’t so dead from the day's events, he probably would have blushed. He still felt the flip in his chest though. The feelings he’d been so desperately trying to ignore. 

Butcher stared at him a minute longer with this expression, nodding, as if to give a silent reassurance to Hughie, an unspoken language that only they could speak. 

That he fucking _cared._

It was the first time that Hughie felt like Butcher had cared. He’d reciprocated. He risked his life, and his mission for _Hughie_ which sounded like so little, but for Butcher, it meant _everything._

“Um… I never got to thank you for uh… for doing what you did, and uh... I’m so sorry-”

“Shut the fuck up you cunt, if I hear one more fucking apology from ya, I’ll break your bloody spine”

Hughie actually had to smile, because for the first time in his life, he knew Butcher was a liar. He threatened and insulted, but at the end of the day, he fucking _cared_ and Hughie realized that _this_ was his second wind. Butcher standing up against Homelander for _him._ He almost felt overwhelmed by the power those words held. 

“Uh yeah, got it” he responded, as per typical in their conversations. He made a small zipping gesture to his lips, as he watched Billy shake his head and turn back to watch the nightmare that was unfolding on screen, but in this moment, Hughie felt like he was reawakened. Higher than any caffeine buzz or cocaine hit could give him. He felt driven again for the first time in weeks, and he finally knew what he’d been missing all along.

He really thought Annie was his second wind, and he did love her, but it was _this_ that he craved. Butcher was so different from Robin, Annie, or anyone else Hughie had ever been in love with. He was a chaotic mess who needed serious therapy, yet somehow this man was what Hughie needed right now more than anything else. This man who’d given up everything and faced down a monster for him. It’s lucky that they're even alive to celebrate _this._ Whatever _this_ was.

At this moment, he wants to tell Butcher all of this. Everything he’s been thinking and feeling since the whale, but he doesn’t. Even if he did say something, Butcher would probably just call him a cunt, but either way the moment is already over. Butcher’s attention is back to the thing he wants to kill. He stares back at the television and exhales. Even though everything went to shit, he has hope again, he has drive. 

Butcher doesn’t need to know these things, and Hughie doesn’t need the rejection, but it's ok. He can live with this. With these feelings. Just having someone who cares about him _that much_ was enough. For the first time since he and Butcher had first met, he _trusted_ him. Which, Hughie knew was a bad idea, but he trusted him all the same.

Butcher gives Hughie one last look, and it's softer than Hughie has ever seen. It’s that unspoken language again. Like Billy is trying to communicate something to Hughie without speaking. Hughie hears it though.

Butcher has the paper, and Hughie’s gonna let him fucking write.

  
  



	2. Season 2, Episode 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hughie and Butcher actually talk about their feelings (wow, what a shock).
> 
> A rewriting of season 2 episode 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gonna make a few more chapters, but I'm thinking just two more. I think altogether this story will have four chapters and end where season 2 lets off, so spoilers ahead! Thank you all for your feedback on the last chapter, I really was happy you all liked it! I didn't really expect it to get a response so I appreciate all the comments! 
> 
> Writing this chapter to take place at the end of season 2 episode 5, and the next chapter will take place during episode 6. 
> 
> Also, added some rewrites to the last chapter since it was revealed in todays episode that Hughie's mom isn't dead. I wrote it like she was, but now that I know that, I just edited the dialogue to be associated with her leaving rather than her dying.
> 
> Anyway, I really hope you all enjoy. Please feel free to comment your thoughts! Especially on that season finale because oh my god, Jesus Christ...
> 
> Ok, enjoy.

Hughie had just saved Butcher from what _essentially_ amounted to suicide… which was _crazy insane_ to even think about. He could barely comprehend his own thoughts as he processed the concept of Butcher feeling so hopeless that he just… gave up.

That was the one consistent character trait he noticed about Butcher that now seemed to no longer be constant. He would _push_ and _push,_ no matter the cost or the insanity of the situation, and he would do it with a constant stream of manic energy; so to watch him entirely _break down_ was insane. 

Everything _about this_ was insane. Not a week ago they were _inside a whale_ , yet somehow this was the more insane detail of the week. 

It was a relief to see Butcher back to his usual self. At least somewhat. He’d dropped the intense ‘I don’t like you persona’ though, which was probably the most telling detail that things were different. Not _bad_ different, and not _good_ different either, just… _new._

Hughie found that really intense and exciting. Or maybe that was the adrenaline of almost being murdered by Black Noir. Hughie didn’t know. Who could honestly?

_‘God, what a week…’_

“Oy, Hughie… why don’t ya give MM a rest from David Bowie or whatever the fuck and ride n’ere with me” Butcher stated firmly, staring at Hughie from the side window of the drivers seat. Hughie’s eyebrows went comically high as he looked in two different directions in search of either his last two brain cells, or his sanity, because he didn’t need to look to know exactly who the fuck was talking to him.

When he does finally look at Butcher, he closes his gaping mouth and stutters once with a quick “I… uh…” before just deciding to gulp whatever thought _that_ was down and bite the bullet. He guessed that they did have some shit to unpack after what was _unearthed_ today.

And honestly, what was unearthed made Hughie feel slightly ill.

_‘You are the spittin’ image o’ Lenny’_

He didn’t want to be the spitting image of Lenny. It defeated the entire purpose of his recent self discoveries.

Not that _that_ was ever on the table to begin with…

Just that the idea that this guy he’s crazy infatuated with thinks of him as a _brother_ is a little gross feeling to Hughie. Not that any of this is Butcher’s fault. In any other situation, Hughie would almost be touched that Butcher thinks something so pure of him.

“You gonna hop in the car, or o’ we gonna be sittin’ out here till the fuckin’ birds sing, fuckin’ hell, quit starin’ into the fuckin’ nether and get n’ the car Hugh”

Well, _fuck._

So the next thing Hughie knows, he’s sitting in Butcher’s car, scrambling with the seatbelt (the fucking piece of shit wouldn’t _pull),_ all the while Butcher just stared at him in disbelief that he was this fucking braindead. He tried to pull slowly at the seatbelt, thinking this would fix the problem and the gentle movements would allow him to move it past his chest, but alas, God apparently came out today just to say ‘fuck off’ so-

“Jesus christ son, ‘ere-”

And then Billy Butcher was slowly moving his hand over to yank the seatbelt over him, and _of fucking course_ the thing goes without question when _he_ does it. Hughie closes his eyes and lets out a shaky exhale “of fucking course, wow-”.

Butcher lets out a short laugh at that.

“Hold on now, I wasn’t the one ‘bout a fuckin’ step away from tryin’ to fist fight a bloody 1990’s Ford over ‘safety first’-”

Hughie pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head, smiling in disbelief.

“You are such a fucking dick-” Butcher actually laughed at that, and not one of his rough ‘I fucking hate the world’ fake laughs, but a genuine one. Hughie could just tell. It even _felt_ different.

“I know…” when Butcher’s laughter finally slowed, he whispered those words; it was an immediate shift in the vibe. It felt… off. Hughie cocked his head, eyes narrowing as his mouth opened and then abruptly closed again. He crossed his arms and sat up in his seat slightly.

“Uh… look, I didn’t-” Hughie stopped for a moment as Butcher started the car, looking back up only to lock into direct eye contact the minute his eyes met Butcher’s face. Butcher was still looking at him with this… this _sad_ fucking stare. 

Hughie pressed on, stupidly-

“You aren’t… you’re not wearing your seatbelt?”

“Well see, that’s the difference between us… because I’m not a fuckin’ cunt now, am I” Butcher parroted the question Hughie asked with his own stuck up question, moving the stick shift into drive. Hughie’s eyebrows raised as he shrugged “uh… I mean, I guess that’s fair; fuck safety, right?”

Butcher didn't bother answering that. They both already knew his answer to that.

Hughie then dropped his original question, and Butcher didn’t push it as he followed MM down the street in the car. Hughie just exhaled and looked out the window as Butcher concentrated on driving. 

They then fell into a deeply uncomfortable silence.

Hughie couldn’t put his finger on why it was so uncomfortable. It was probably all the unspoken knowledge just floating between their dead space. Butcher _had_ to have heard him talking to Judy.

So they drove for about forty five minutes and…

Still nothing.

Butcher seemed dead set on just staring ahead at MM’s car, and Hughie wasn’t brave enough to say a word.

Butcher however stared out of the corner of his eye as Hughie squirmed in his seat.

He then rolled his eyes and exhaled loudly, clearly exasperated. 

“Look, you _are_ like Lenny, but you ain’t my brother…” Butcher states firmly, looking over at Hughie, who almost jumps at the sudden sound. Butcher definitely sees the faint twitch at his words to Hugh, who after nearly flailing sideways turns to look at Butcher with a cross between pained and deeply unnerved.

“Oh uh… cool, yeah, I don’t know whether to be offended or-”

“Hughie, shut the fuck up” Hughie’s mouth has never closed so quickly in his life. Butcher is staring dead ahead at the road again, not even taking a moment to catch glimpses of Hughie’s reactions, which he honestly didn’t know if that was _more_ unnerving, or _less._

“Kid, you do remind me o’ my brother, but I don’t see you as a brother, though I don’t mean that n’ the way you’re clearly thinkin’ I mean it-”

“How am I thinking, Butcher” Hughie says calmly and clearly. Like some kind of fog cleared. He looked at the side of Butcher's head as he drove, as if this was his way of making direct eye contact despite the lack of looking into Butcher’s eyes. Butcher certainly must agree, because he doesn’t roll his eyes this time. He looks at Hughie with this unsettled expression and then lets out a small, exasperated breath as he shakes his head and slows the car down.

They are in the middle of rural fucking no where. Somewhere on some highway Hughie’s never driven. Butcher seems to know it though. He pulls the car over into the dark grass off of the side of the road, turning the car off, and secondly the lights, which cascades them both into darkness. 

All the bravery from before leaves his body as all he can hear is Butcher’s breathing and the chirp of crickets for those first three seconds.

“Look kid, we clearly need to talk…” Butcher whispers, and Hughie stares at the glovebox feeling numb, but nodding in agreement “sure Butcher-”

“Billy-”

Hughie’s eyes shoot up then, locking directly onto Butcher.

“W-What-”

“Fuckin’ hell, just call me Billy, son…” he states, more loudly and _annoyed_ this time, but still firm. He’s turned his head away from looking at Hughie to stare at the woods ahead of the car. It’s so late that you could barely even hear the zip of other cars. It was just crickets, wind and _unending thoughts_ that were racing through Hughie’s mind.

“Um… why uh… look, Butch- Billy, I know what Judy said and… its ok if I remind you of him, I’m not like… _offended,_ I mean, if anything it’s really sweet-” all of these were _technically_ lies on Hughie’s end, because even though he did mean it in terms of intent, he secretly was offended, though none of _that_ had anything to do with Butcher. 

I mean, it’s not Billy’s problem that Hughie caught _feelings._

“It’s sweet that you think of me that way, seriously…” he said it more firmly this time as Butcher seemed to nod, accepting the sentences that were sent his way. He seemed to absorb the information, giving one last definitive nod, as well as a noise of understanding (a small ‘hmm’) before he looked at Hughie, starting yet another round of intense and unnerving eye contact as Hughie’s mouth dropped open.

“Hughie, you know why I called you my c’nary on the phone?”

Hughie gulped.

“Um, because I remind you of your brother? A-And your brother used to help… calm you down I guess? I don’t know, what am I? You tell me, am I your fucking dog whisperer Butcher?”

Hughie realized he sounded out of patience towards the end of his sentence, but honestly how could he not? What even was this conversation?

He might as well get the rest off his chest.

“Oh, and speaking of which, a fucking ‘canary’? What the fuck does that have to do with jack _shit,_ is the canary thing a reference I’m _supposed_ to catch? I don’t know what the fuck it _means_ , Billy…”

Hughie finished his sentence by breathing heavily, shaking his head and leaning back fully in the seat, shoving his throbbing head into his hands.

“I mean, _fuck man…”_ he whispered softly, head still in his hands “you’re so fucking confusing. You treat me like pure _fucking shit_ eighty percent of the time, and then you say shit like ‘ _my canary’_ and it just makes _everything more fucking confusing,_ jesus… just settle on mean or nice and _pick one-_ ”

“Hughie, you’re not like my brother, but not because you ain’t good for me, because ya are good fer’ me” Butcher whispered, and Hughie shakes his head as he stares at the limited nothing he can see outside the windshield, scoffing as Butcher continues “no, don’t fucking scoff, look at me Hughie-”

To Hughie’s detriment, he does.

And Butcher looks nearly deranged, leaning towards Hughie, as if others could hear them if he’s not careful. Yet there is no one else in the car. 

They are entirely alone.

And that thought sends Hughie’s heart racing as he looks into Butcher's gaze. 

His eyes are narrowed on Hughie’s face, yet not harshly like he usually shows when he’s smirking or scowling at something. His eyes are narrowed with focus. 

Focus that was fully on _Hughie_.

_‘Fucking come on and focus Hugh, Jesus…’_

“Look kid, from day fuckin’ one I picked ya because I saw ‘lot o’ myself in you, and I still do… then we talked and you just…”

He paused on his words and Hughie tilted his head in confusion as he waited for Butcher to say something, but when he remained paused, Hughie took the initiative.

“Butcher, look, you don’t have to explain to me why I’m not your brother, I mean, _obviously_ I’m not, I don’t need you to go into _explicit_ detail as to why I couldn’t be him. I _know, ok?_ I understand how hard it is to have something like that happen and then to be looking for them in _everyone-_ ”

Butcher was scratching his beard in frustration as Hughie rambled, and eventually he looked at Hughie, finally finding his words as he growled “Jesus, do you ever quit fuckin’ runnin that mouth o’ yers…”

Hughie stared, mouth still hanging open from his unfinished sentence as Butcher exhaled roughly and looked back up at Hughie, immediately feeling guilty for the harshness of his words.

“Fuckin’ hell… sorry, I just… Hugh, you’re not like my fuckin’ brother specifically because I called you _my canary_ , you moronic fuckin’ twink, that was _the_ _hint_ ” 

It’s Hughie’s turn for his eyes to narrow as he stares dead at Butcher, feeling his stomach drop to the floor. Butcher breathes and continues on.

“Yes, you remind me a bit o’ my brother… you also remind me of Becca…”

Hughie closed his mouth and stared dead into Butcher’s eyes as he said that. Butcher didn’t even dip away from the eye contact for a second.

“Only my brother and Becca ‘ave ever been able to… calm me down, I s’pose so hence… my canary” “ he says the ‘my canary' in defeat, like it was hard for him to admit. Hughie gulped.

Well, if Butcher can be open and vulnerable, then…

“I uh… I freaked out inside of the whale because I realized that I was a massive wallflower that you just hung on your door like a wreath” he said those words so quickly that they bled into each other, but Butcher didn’t tease him for it. Which was telling.

“I let people push me around a lot. I let _you_ push me into hunting Robin’s killer-”

“Fuck, Hughie, I’m-”

“ _No, Don’t apologize”_ Hughie says it slowly, trying to emphasize this to Butcher. Surprisingly, he takes the hint and doesn’t add any further commentary to the matter, so Hughie presses on.

“I don’t want a fucking apology from you, I’ve always just wanted _this…”_ Butcher’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he whispered “what d'ya mean by _this”._

Hughie gestures between the two of them quickly “I mean _this._ To feel like I fucking matter to the group. To everyone in it-” the ' _t_ _o you'_ goes unspoken as Hughie stutters on it before killing it mid-sentence, trekking onward “t-to just be able to finally _do something_ with my life and feel like I’m _contributing_ to something _meaningful,_ because I _know_ I’m next to useless-”

“Hugh-”

“No, don’t interrupt me on that one, you and I both know it’s true. I mean, I’m not a fighter… I’m not _brave_ or _strong…_ I don’t have _powers…_ can’t shoot a gun for shit-”

“Hughie, just you bein’ ‘ere means everything to me”

Hughie stops and blushes, and he knows that Butcher has to see it because he’s not stopped looking right at him with that constant rapt attention he normally only reserves for missions. He tries to cover the blush by putting his hand over his cheek but Butcher stops him midway, holding the hand in midair before slowly moving both their hands down towards the cupholders in between the car seats. The neutral space.

For three more magical seconds, Butcher holds his hand.

And then he lets go.

“Don’t cover ya face, kid”

“Sorry, yeah I just… look, I-I freaked out inside the whale, and afterwards because... well fuck, _because I was tired of_ _the way you made me feel... making me believe I didn’t matter…”_ Hughie whispered, and he could see the pain those words caused Butcher. Despite the fact that Butcher had to know this already. He _was_ a fucking manipulative piece of shit after all, he can only claim the 'not knowing' thing so far. Still, hearing the words said aloud was probably different to any assumptions Butcher had probably already made about their fucking up little connection.

He could see Butcher starting to harden once more at his harshness, so he quickly moved on with his speech.

“No no no, wait, don’t… It’s ok, just… wait” he said, placing his hand back top of Butchers, a daring move but one that he hopes will help articulate his thoughts.

And his thoughts were all...

“I didn’t know I liked men, and when we were inside of that whale, I realized that this _entire time,_ I was acting the way I was because I _liked you_ ”

There they were, the words, just floating. 

He felt Butcher let out a shaky exhale through their linked hands. The fact that Butcher hadn’t pulled away was astonishing.

“I realized for the first time that day that this _entire time,_ I’d had a crush on you that I had misconstrued for just a really _weird fucking_ friendship and I… look, I already know that this isn’t a thing for you so-”

“No, it is…”

Hughie’s mouth got dry at the look Butcher gave him as he said it. Hughie must have looked shocked, because Butcher almost laughed at the kids reaction, moving his hand under Hughie’s to grip it gently. Not doing anything more. Just holding Hughie’s hand.

Hughie couldn’t find any words, so Butcher spoke in his stead.

“Look Hugh, I called you _my canary_ , but not cause I’m thinkin that you’re my brother. You honestly have always reminded me more of Becca. Wantin' to storm into fights outta pure passion. Helpin’ me calm the fuck down. Havin’ god awful taste in fuckin’ music-”

Hughie let out a wet laugh as he shook his head, softly saying “I don’t know about that, I mean, Billy Joel _slaps_ -”

“Oy, ok, none of that shit, I never wanna ‘ere the words ‘slaps’ leave ya mouth ever again, I swear t' god Hugh, those words aren’t for us, they’re for lil’ high schoolers, you gotta stop wit’ the cultural appropriation-”

Hughie laughs as Butcher rants about his wording choice, then they both fall silent again.

“God, if _I_ can’t say ‘slaps’ then _you_ can't say ‘cultural appropriation’ I mean, fucking _jesus_ \- I already know that _you don’t know_ what those words even mean-”

“And you’d be right, I _don’t,_ I saw’re it on the bird app a few weeks ago and thought it fit”

Hughie is full laughing now as Butcher finishes his sentence. He shakes his head and looks at him again smiling before looking down at their linked hands, and his smile falls somewhat. Butcher is moving his thumb over Hughies hand now, like he’s getting a feel for the hand being in his.

“I knew you were special from the moment I laid eyes on ya, jus’... wasn’t ready to say it yet”

Hughie blushed again, but this time there was no attempt made to hide it, and Butcher just watched and gave him a small smile before frowning again and separating their hands. Hughie is so dumbfounded by the overload of information that he just stares at where their hands were separating; Butcher just treks on.

“I do want you t’know that I care n’ all… I do Hughie, I care a fuck of o’ lot more than I ever say but… That’s ‘s far as it’s gonna go Hughie-”

He opened his mouth to argue, but Butcher held a hand up in a stopping motion, so Hughie froze.

“No, Hugh, you gotta know I ain’t good fo’ ya…”

And Hughie did know.

God, his mouth was so dry right now, he couldn’t even say words. Butcher seemed to take pity on him as he heard him release a small breath before Butcher placed his hand on Hughie’s neck, just gently cupping it. Hughie felt himself heat up.

“Hughie Campbell, I care o’ fuck of a lot about ya, ok? Let’s just get that in writin’ for the court records n' all but… you n’ I both know this idn't healthy... I mean, back n' Judy's I was so fuckin' _mad_ at _everythin' and everyone_ that I told you that you're pathetic just to get you to _leave._ Now o' course I didn't mean it but I still _said it_ … I ain't _good_ for ya son, none of this is _good for ya_ ” and Hughie did know. It still hurt to hear it. He figured it was the hope that it _could be._

“It _could be…”_

Fuck, Hughie squeezed his eyes shut the second the words left his brain. He hated that he sounded desperate. Surprisingly though, Butcher didn’t hold it against him. The hand on his neck just smoothed over his skin as he heard Butcher softly chuckle behind his closed eyes.

“Nah, it couldn’t… I ain’t gonna change Hughie… I am who I am”

Hughie’s eyes finally opened at that because of how stupid it was.

“What the fuck does ‘I am who I am’ even _mean?_ I’m not saying that we have to be Morticia and Gomez, I’m just saying-”

“Who t’fuck is Morticia n’ Gomez?”

“It _really_ doesn’t matter. What _does_ matter is that I _know_ you can be better, I _see it all the time._ But you always have to crush it by being a fuckin’ cunt every goddamn time-”

He expects a negative reaction to this outburst, but surprisingly he doesn’t get one. Instead, Butcher lets out a laugh.

“God, I’ve never been so proud, ya actually called me a cunt, I might even shed a tear-”

“Oh my god, shut the fuck up Billy, _Jesus…”_

They then fell back into silence, and Hughie looked at Butcher desperately, placing his own hand over the one resting on his neck. Butcher let out a shaky exhale, no longer looking at Hughie, but he does press his forehead into Hughie's. Not doing anything, just leaning on him. Just sitting and breathing like he's trying to memorize the moment. Eventually though, Butcher does break the silence.

“Y’know, you really _are_ an annoying fuckin’ cunt Hughie Campbell” Hughie actually laughs at that as they just stare, and he whispers “ _Aw, you called me a cunt-”_ mimicking Butcher’s teasing tone from moments before. Butcher just shook his head and gave him a toothy grin before moving the hand on his neck around his back and crushing Hughie into a hug. Hughie could feel Butcher burrowing his head into Hughie's bony shoulder, and Hughie quickly reacted by wrapping his own arms slowly around Butcher, just holding him back. They stayed like that for a startlingly long time. Hughie actually lost track of time as he attempted to take a note from Butcher's book and just enjoy the moment. If this was all he was gonna get, he'd make damn sure to appreciate it while he had it. 

He then felt Butchers lips against the shell of his ear.

“Kid, it _ain’t_ gonna happen… but I do wish it _could_ …” 

Hughie heard the words whispered, but just as suddenly as he was processing them, Butcher was pulling away with one last glance at Hughie and a nod, turning back to start the car. The touching stopped. The conversation stopped. 

Butcher began pulling them back onto the road, leaving Hughie alone with his thoughts and his heavily beating heart.

Eventually he looked at Butcher, staring at him despite not getting any looks back. He let out a shaky breath and gave a sad smile.

“Hey uh… I just want you to know that it's ok… I get it… but don’t give up on yourself either… with me or without me, you’re better than you think”

Hughie watched Butchers grip tighten on the steering wheel as he looked at Hughie for one last second. His expression was unlike anything Hughie had ever seen before. Yet he chose to say nothing. Just nodded and turned back to the road. 

Hughie didn’t even notice how Butcher’s fist tightened on the steering wheel of the car, nor did he realize just how much those words had truly affected Butcher.

_Oh well,_ Hughie thought, _at least I tried… was worth a shot._

They continued to drive into the long winding darkness of the road, and they continued in silence.

  
  



	3. Season 2, Episode 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hughie and Butcher, back on their bullshit.

It’s insane how your brain works sometimes. Hughie remembered vaguely thinking this in the backseat of some guy's car, staring up at the ceiling as your vision gets fuzzier and fuzzier. He remembered immense pain as Annie cauterized his wound. He remembered strong grips pulling him into a car. He remembered the look on both their faces when he first looked down to see a shard of metal sticking out of him.

It wasn’t a look he felt good about. The sheer horror that he knew was for him. He knew something was wrong with him from just their looks rather than the pain. His shock didn’t even allow him to register what had happened. So when he saw Butcher and Annie’s faces just filled with a sort of dread, he knew something bad must have happened.

And then he finally felt it.

He looked down to see this gushing prick in his side, and as if to taunt him from the grave, Transclucents' words came back to him in the moment he lost his balance.

“Who are you? A water balloon filled with blood and meat”

Hughie thought, _huh,_ as he fell fully to the ground. 

‘ _The fucker was right’_

He was more right than he even meant to be. 

The insult was surface level. Fully in the moment and a jab at his actual physique, but Translucent read him better in the few moments they interacted than most people Hughie had known for years.

He was always in over his head. Everyone in the group knew it. He knew it. The only reason he was kept around was… well for what?

Sometimes he felt like he was just the group cheerleader.

He almost laughed at that, but figured now wouldn’t be the time as he stood in a grassy field with a bleeding stab wound.

“Hughie? HUGHIE-”

“Oh shit…”

And then he fell.

Again.

Maybe it was what Hughie did best.

“No, no, no, no, no, no…”

God, this really was what he was best at huh? Being a fucking burden.

I mean, he knew that Butcher liked having him around for bird purposes and all, but… god he always managed to be the fuck up of the group. All he ever wanted to do was help, but he seemed to always be standing in his own way, and shit just kept standing in his way like a goddamn final boss. His uselessness. 

As much as he wanted to be here, why was he even here? 

“ _Can you cauterize it-”_

Hughie thought maybe he should apologize for the inconvenience. Maybe make a joke to make this better. Nothing was going to make this better though, huh. Was this really all he had to offer for himself? Being this water balloon to just be dragged around? Always at risk of popping with just the slightest bit of pressure? 

Man... even people like Butcher, and Mother’s Milk with _no powers._ Even _they_ were strong enough to not be the water balloon. He still remembered watching Butcher drive his car into Transclucent through a _fucking building._ Just slammed into him through a wall and started punching. Didn’t even care that he was a fucking supe. He just went for it.

Again, probably not healthy.

“Where, _how-”_

“I DON’T KNOW, but m’ not gonna just _sit here_ and watch him _fuckin’ well bleed out, ALL RIGHT?”_

Hughie actually smiled at that. He wanted to tell them to quit arguing, but what good would it do? They’d argue no matter what.

Annie started mumbling a collection of ‘ok’s’ and then he was being lifted by them both, which was in its own weird way poetic and sweet. Them hating each other but teaming up for him. It made him smile as his head tilted downwards from the shock of his wound. Annie looked a step away from sheer panic beside him, while Butcher just seemed focused on attempting to get them _somewhere_ that wasn’t here.

Hughie vaguely thought back to the phone call some time ago now. The call that was meant to be Butcher’s last to Hughie.

_“I’m… I’m not mad, you know?”_

It had felt so important to say that to him in the moment. Hughie felt like he had been defined by anger for so long, and he knew that Butcher felt that. He was just tired of all the anger between them. That’s why the talk in the car had been so therapeutic. All of this back and forth bullshit that they had going on. Even if the olive branch wasn’t accepted, he wanted Butcher to know it was there. At least on his end. He wanted Butcher to know, in this small way, that he understood. That he wasn’t mad.

He was so tired of being _mad._

It’s the same reason he had told Butcher not to give up on himself. At the end of the day, it didn’t matter if Hughie and Butcher were _together_ or not, he just wanted Butcher to know that he can be better on his own. It’s why he was _trying so fucking hard_ to get Butcher to see that.

“ _I-I just want you to know that, um… yes, you are leaving us holding the bag on this shitshow, but I want you to know that I get it-”_

If Butcher didn’t answer his phone calls for another five attempts, or hell if he had managed to save his wife and run off into the sunset with her, he figures this is a good spot to settle at. A good place to leave things. At least for now.

He had one other thing he needed to say though, before he let this go.

_“Butcher?”_

_“Yeah, what?”_

_“...You could have said goodbye…”_

Hughie knew why he didn’t though. He just needed it to be said.

He remembered hearing Butcher exhale loudly on the phone before speaking. He expected to hear a litany of ‘cunts’ and ‘stop being such a pussy’ or other borderline sexist terms like that, but what truly shocked him was that they _never came._

“ _I know we’ve been through some shit together...”_

He’s back in the present. He can feel the metal inside his abdomen and he lets out a groan as he’s pulled towards the woods.

“ _You were always like my canary I suppose…”_

He sucked in a breath as he felt his legs dragging. All he could see was the red culminating from his tattered band t-shirt.

_“Thank you… goodbye Hughie”_

He’d said goodbye…

And then when he didn’t get his wife back, he’d just given up...

That was the other conversation that still held strong in Hughie’s thoughts. The car ride. Butcher’s admission to caring about Hughie. His touch.

He looked to his left where Butcher was moving them. The look of serious intensity on his face. He knew Annie likely had the same face. It was strange though watching this look come from Butcher. It only vaguely occurred to him that he’d never seen Butcher _worried_ before.

Always so calm. So on top of everything, and _this_ was the first time that Hughie had ever seen Butcher look so out of control. Like he didn’t have fifty other plans in place. Hughie cocked his head vaguely to look at him closer, and he was so goofy from the blood loss that he didn’t even care at the weird look Butcher gave him.

“B-Butcher… you look like someone just… called you a cunt-”

The glare Butcher gave him reassured him slightly. It was that little taste of irritation from Butcher that he wanted. He opened one eye to make immediate eye contact to his left with Butcher, and he gave a small little half smile as he tried to wince through the pain, and then suddenly that irritated look was once again gone as Butcher rolled his eyes and his face hardened; turning his head away to look the direction Hughie was being dragged.

“I need you to shut your fuckin’ mouth and just breath for me, Hughie-” he almost laughed at Butcher’s words.

“Yeah… ok” he let himself fall silent as Annie and Butcher pulled. Eventually Annie ran ahead, leaving Butcher to support his full weight. Hughie let out a small chuckle at the thought of _this_ being the first time he really gets to feel how strong Butcher is. A totally homosexual thought that most definitly had popped up inside his brain before. A homosexual thought he was having about Butcher though, who was both _a piece of fucking shit,_ and also _not interested..._

‘Good one Hughie…’

“Oh? What the fuck is so funny Hughie-” Hughie readjusted his jaw in preparation to take a breath and answer, when he felt Butcher yank him a little bit harder, jolting him from doing so before Butcher looked at him again “trick question son, I told you to save your breath, don’t answer that”.

Hughie thought about just nodding and listening, but he didn’t actually know if this was it. Was he about to die? He’d never had an injury like this before. He didn’t know if this was going to kill him or not. All he knew was that it was getting harder to stay awake, and he didn’t know if this would be his last chance to say anything.

He really did think about staying silent.

But _fuck Billy Butcher…_

“Heh… fuck you man…” Hughie whispered, laughing a little as he said it. He could feel Butcher readjusting his arm to hang over his shoulder as he pulled. Butcher placed his hand over Hughie’s to hold him up. Hughie could barely contain his excitement.

“Oy? Fuck me, yeah?” 

He looked up tiredly to smile at Butcher, who wasn’t looking at him but finally cracked a small smile as he pulled. Hughie shakily laughed as his eyes closed again, trying to not focus on the pain in his gut.

“Yeah man, you’re such a fucking cock… wanted to tell you… ya know… in case-”

“Don’t fucking finish that sentence Hughie” Butcher growled, all the laughs from a moment prior gone. _Fuck it though,_ Hughie thought, _it’s not like he’s gonna kill me._

“Nah uh… f-fuck… shit… I wanted to say ‘fuck you’ again, but _Jesus_ you’re fucking strong” Hughie rambled as he felt Butcher’s hand tighten around his own. Butcher looked at him again, almost nervous. Hughie shook his head at how ridiculous this was. “God, I cannot fucking believe I’m traveling with you, you’re so much cooler more bad ass than I’ll _ever_ be, and half the time I’m f-fucking useless…” Hughie laughed again as he felt that grip tighten. More of that unspoken language between them. Because despite what they did for a living, neither one of them was ballsy enough to put this language into words.

“Ya ain’t useless Hugh… Already told ya that…”

“God, you’re so fucking weird Billy-”

It got awkwardly quiet when he said Butcher’s name. He was curious what would happen if he used it again, outside of the safety of their conversation in the car. He figured this might be his one chance where Butcher will give him a pass for it. He looked up at Butcher though to see his expression, only to find that Butcher seemed…

His look seemed almost _nervous_.

Well _that_ wasn’t what Hughie wanted…

“Oh fuck, I’m sorry Butcher… I-”

“Hughie” he said it like a command and Hughie looked up at him nervously. The corners of his vision were getting prickly and dark. He could feel himself falling unconscious. He could also hear Annie yelling from somewhere in the distance.

Above him, holding him up, he could see Butcher looking right at him, breathing heavily and staring at him with so much fucking fear and tenderness mixed together that Hughie nearly choked on it.

“Hugh, don’t apologize son… this is my mess…” he squeezed Hughie’s hand tightly as he looked at Hughie. All Hughie could do was stare back and nod. Butcher nodded back at him, and before Hughie could even comprehend what was happening, Butcher moved his head over and he felt a gentle wetness settle above his forehead. Right on the seam of his hair. He could feel the connected scratchiness of a beard press into Hughie’s skin. He knew what this feeling was. He didn’t dare say anything out loud.

Butcher pulled back, looking at Hughie with this expression that broke Hughie’s heart. It especially broke Hughie’s heart because he knew his vision was getting groggier. Butcher squeezed his hand tighter.

“Never apologize for anything Hughie…”

He heard Annie yell again as his head drooped over. He felt himself slump slightly but remembered taking a few more assisted steps before he fell altogether.

He felt nothing. For a long few minutes, he felt nothing. 

Then, suddenly and with no holding back, he felt everything.

It was his skin burning. He became vaguely aware that this was the case. He let out a muffled moan as he felt pressure on his shoulder. He buried himself into the weight that was holding him like it was his only protection.

He knew that it had to be Butcher.

He felt Butcher’s hand grazing his stomach as he inspected the wound. He heard a few more words spoken. He felt himself being moved, and then…

He woke up alone.

He was in a hospital bed, and he was alone.

It almost frightened him. The sudden strike of waking up and it being a day later. He remembered both everything, and nothing about the event. A nurse quickly walked in and smiled, checking his vitals.

“Hi there, don’t worry, the blonde just went to the bathroom, and the british guy ran downstairs to take a phone call… we have horrible reception in here, so he had to go outside-”

Hughie listened and processed this. He turned his head to the right to see the bathroom door shut with the light on inside. She had to be right. He let out a quick exhale as he noticed a beeping going down. His heart rate had actually risen. He turned to look at the machine before looking back at the nurse.

“Um… t-thank you uh… Carol?” he read her nametag and smiled at her. She smiled back.

“Yep! You got it! Your friends said your name was Marvin, right?” _Oh fuck…_

“Oh uh, y-”

“MARVIN, IS THAT YOU LIVIN’ AND BREATHIN’ I SEE, YER AWAKE” 

He looked over at where Butcher was standing in the doorway of the hospital room, holding a redbull and grinning. Hughie’s nose wrinkled as he looked at the drink.

“That shit is gonna give you a fuckin’ heart attack man-”

“Always good to hear your words o’ wisdom-”

The nurse looked between the two of them, swallowing before nodding. 

“Well, uh, it seems like you're feeling better! I’m gonna go get the doctor, ok?”

He almost went to speak, but Butcher glared at him before giving Carol a kind (and also fake) smile and nodding at her.

“Absolutely Carol, we’ll be waitin’ for ya right ere” Butcher said to her with an earnest nod, and Hughie almost scoffed. Annie exited the bathroom just as Carol gave Butcher a last smile and left. Annie looked at Hughie with wide eyes and speed walked towards him before wrapping her arms around his neck.

“God, don’t ever scare me like that again Hughie…” she whispered, and he wrapped an arm around her shoulders in return, closing his eyes and just enjoying her comfort. He didn’t see Butcher roll his eyes and step closer.

“Well, as much as I hate to be breakin’ up a beautiful love fest like this ‘ere, sadly, we gotta be gettin’ the fuck outta here... so, if you lot are ready, its high time we be headin’ off before the Doctor starts mentioning payments” he whispered with hushed urgency, and Hughie opened his eyes to look at him. Annie whispered a quick “right” pulling away from Hughie and pulling back as Butcher just stared.

It was an eye contact Hughie had difficulty separating from.

He eventually shook it off though and carefully moved his legs off the bed, getting ready to stand. Butcher came to his side and gripped his arm as he stood slowly, giving him his weight to lean into.

“Alright son, c’mon…” he whispered, and Hughie shuttered. There is no way he didn’t feel it too.

Annie had followed them until she froze midway and stopped "fuck, my bag... you guys go, I'll catch up-" he couldn't see it, but he knew Butcher was rolling his eyes.

"Well then bloody well do it, we gotta go-"

“God, you’re the worst…” Hughie stated as he felt himself being walked further down the hall, Annie running off behind them. Hughie shook his head and laughed in disbelief “other people at the hospital visit would bring you flowers and shit, you tell me to put on my shoes and fucking flee the hospital, this is terrible-”

“Sorry love, flowers are back at base, you understand, wanted felons and all-” Butcher was going on an entire tangent, but Hughie stopped him midway as they stepped through the hallway, dodging doctors and techs making their way down the bust stretch. Eventually they reached the elevator and Hughie watched Butcher slam his fist on the ground floor button.

“Um, maybe I went partially deaf from all the stabbing but, uh, did you just call me ‘love’?”

“Well, you called me Billy. I figure fair is fair” he muttered simply. The elevator door closed.

Hughie slammed the emergency stop button.

“OY, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOUR DOIN LAD-”

“Don’t call me ‘lad’ or whatever the fuck kind of British bake-off shit _that word_ is, oh my god, you pretintious prick-” he watched Butcher bristle.

“S’cuse me?”

“Did you fucking kiss me…” he whispered, staring dead at Butcher. Making direct eye contact so that Butcher couldn’t weasel out of it. Butcher just gave him a snide grin, and stood at his full height (something he did whenever he was trying to intimidate Hughie).

“Oh? You think I planted one on ya like we’re in goddamn shitty fuckin’ disney story?”

“God, fuck you man, no… I _know_ you planted one on me like we’re in some shitty fucking disney story, god… gaslighting now? Really, we’re resorting to that?”

Butcher seemed to hate that. His eyes narrowed as he pushed Hughie off of him. Hughe felt himself fall back against the wall of the elevator. It wasn’t a hard shove. Hughie didn’t hurt himself, though he did flinch a little when the tenderness of his stomach wound appeared. Butcher’s eyes left him to look at his stomach. Hughie sighed, shaking his head and exhaling as he looked back up at Butcher, who was no longer meeting his gaze.

“Look, at first, when we showed up at your Aunt’s to save you, I thought… well, I thought that maybe you saw me as a brother… because of Lenny…” he waited a moment. Got nervous saying his name, because Billy was a fucking livewire and Hughie didn’t want to set it off. He waited another second for Butcher to react, but when he didn’t, Hughie just continued on “and I sorta… came to terms with that? But then you told me that I _wasn’t_ like your brother and that in fact, you _actually liked me,_ but _then_ you tell me that it _can’t happen,_ so I guess I’m just trying to understand what the fuck that was?”

Butcher’s eyes shot up as he said that, and Hughie held onto that eye contact like a lifeline now that he had it. Butcher’s eyes narrowed as he got distracted and laughed at that.

“Fuck, I will never be gettin’ over that you’re little stint inside the whale was because you were havin’ a crisis about a your lit’l schoolyard crush on me” Butcher asked, laughing at him as Hughie finally cracked a grin back.

“Uh, well that was probably more my frustration and partial nervous breakdown of being inside of a living whale, but I can definitely say that the realization contributed,” Hughie said with a shrug. Butcher stared at him another moment before covering his forehead with a hand and letting out a disgruntled chuckle. Hughie laughed with him. _This had to be a mental fucking breakdown they were both simultaneously having_ , he briefly thought, _what the fuck was wrong with them?_

“I thought you saw me as like your… your surrogate brother, and I accepted that even though I definitely knew I had a thing for you-”

“What did ya in?”

Hughie’s eyes widened comically as Butcher asked that. He shook his head and narrowed his eyes as he mouth was left agape “uhh, excuse me?”

“Ya heard me Hugh, what did ya in? What about me finally turned ya-”

“Wait, wait, hold on, you didn’t _turn me-”_

“No? Last I’d been ‘earin bout ya when we first met was that you’d only liked gals” Butcher muttered, and Hughie shook his head to disagree before his eyebrows scrunched in at those words “wait a second, you _fucking asked? Who did you ask?”_

“Oh, ya know… usual sources…”

“You were _stalking me?”_

“Hugh, c’mon, it weren’t stalkin’, this’d been when we first met and I’d been tryin’ to recruit ya, I had to stake you out first-”

“What does my sexuality have to do with the job?”

“It doesn’t”

Hughie’s breath hitched as Butcher stared at him after saying those words. His eye contact was now an iron grip on Hughie. He couldn’t look away if he tried. Butcher exhaled and slowly walked closer, placing a hand on the side of Hughies neck again, just like in the car, and he was watching the little rush of red skin appear. He smiled at Hughie’s flush, looking back up at him.

“It doesn’t…” he whispered one more time. Hughie squeezed his eyes shut as he exhaled slowly, feeling Butcher’s rough hands move along his neck.

“Hugh… you started this, so please look at me son…” 

Hughie opened his eyes and Butcher was staring right at him. His expression was so calm and focused. It struck him to his core.

Then, suddenly, Butcher's hand moved to Hughies cheek and their lips were meeting halfway.

It was such a rough kiss. So unlike anything he’d ever experienced before. Even in his attempt to be gentle Butcher was shoving him lightly against the wall of the elevator, pressing his weight onto Hughie. He felt Butcher directing his jaw to move in the direction of the kiss, feeling Butcher turn his head to adjust the angle. He pulled away after one last gentle peck and stared at Hughie, eyes searching. Hughie’s eyes opened slowly as he looked at Butcher, breathing heavily as his own hand moved to Butcher’s hip of its own accord.

“Um, yeah uh… that… that pretty much answers my questio-” he couldn’t even finish his sentence. They were kissing again. Butcher pressed into him and moved his other hand to Hughie’s hip, as the hand on his cheek moved down to Hughie’s neck. He didn’t grasp, but held his hand there. As if to just alert Hughie that he was there. He wished they could do this for hours, but of course it ended too soon. Butcher pulled back and stared at him one last moment before nodding to himself (as if to encourage _himself_ to pull back) and stepping backwards to the panel of floors, looking to his left and pushing off the emergency stop button.

He stood in front of the door of the elevator and Hughie tried to catch his breath as he placed his own hand on his neck, exactly where Butcher’s had been.

Hughie let out a laugh as the elevator moved again and Hughie found his bearings.

“So let me guess, that fantastic make out session was a one timer too?”

Butcher didn’t turn around to look at him, which basically answered his question. He shrugged and nodded (to himself essentially since Butcher wasn’t looking at him), turning to look at himself in the side wall mirrors within the elevator. God he looked like a mess.

“Sorry, couldn’t help m’self, you bein’ so annoying and all”

Hughie laughed at that, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. He finally leaned off the wall, stepping over to Butcher and waiting beside him for the elevator. They stood side by side.

“So, yeah, definitely a one timer…”

It got quiet again as he heard Butcher exhale.

“I _am_ sorry Hugh…”

Hughie chuckled and nodded bitterly, mouth scrunched into a tight line as he looked to his right to see Butcher still staring ahead. 

“Ok, welp, if this is my last chance then-” Hughie said before using his height to push directly onto Butcher, kissing him one last time. He could tell that Butcher hadn’t expected it, but reacted very quickly in turning his head to adjust the angle. Like two puzzle pieces slotting together.

It was just a peck, but it felt like it lasted an eternity. Butcher finally pulled back first though, looking at Hughie with a look of pure seriousness.

"You bettah never do that shit again Hugh', I swear t' god, I-"

Hughie shrugged, placing his hand over Butcher's, letting their joint hands hang together as they stood, just looking at each other and breathing.

"Hey, I made it didn't I? It's ok, c'mon, none of that... I'm... I'm more than just a water balloon, I made it-" Butcher just nodded at Hughie's words, taking them in before readjusting himself and pulling his hand away from Hughie's.

And then the elevator opened. 

"By the way, I was laughing because you and Annie _actually managed_ to get along for those two seconds I was dying. Who knew that's all it took, I would have gotten stabbed sooner-”

"Ya keep talkin' like that 'n I'll stab ya myself, but... yeah, your girl ain't so bad Hughie... she's real good for ya..."

Hughie closed his mouth at those words, looked at him and nodded. It was clear this was the hill Butcher was planning to die on, so he just accepted the comment without argument, though there was still so much more he wanted to say...

Unfortunately they were out of time for that.

"Well, alrighty then, you lead the way to my next stab wound then" Hughie stated, looking at Butcher and grinning as they started walking.

Butcher just laughed and led on.

  
  



	4. Season 2, Episode 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hughie gets a new job, Butcher reacts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late post, this story has not been abandoned, I've just been very busy. Hoping to finish it officially this month. To anyone who waited, thank you so much, and too everyone else, whenever you see this, I do hope you enjoy! Please leave feedback for me! Originally was gonna leave this four parts but I need to do a fifth chapter, I couldn't fit it all in this one. 
> 
> Anyway, thank you all!

Annie walked behind Hughie briefly as they turned to leave the park, staring at him. He seemed taller than he had before. More driven and _happy._ She smiled briefly at the back of his head.

“So, when are you going to deliver the news to Butcher?”

Hughie froze and turned his head with a look of clear nervousness. Annie knew that look well. It was the look he gave whenever he was about to lie-

“Um… uh, full transparency moment-?” Annie froze at his words, was he actually about to be honest?

“That would be wise, yes…” she said, but she was grinning at him gently as she said it. Annie answered calmly, but not unkindly. Hughie breathed a little manically as he turned around to face her, hands in his pockets and slumped over as he only did when he was insecure.

“Um… so… uh, I really don’t know where to start with this or uh-”

“What? That you and Butcher were a thing?”

Hughie’s eyes shot up.

“Oh, uh… h-how did you know that information-”

Annie rolled her eyes and smirked.

“C’mon Hughie, I have super strength, you really think I don’t have super intuition?”

“That sounds like a lie, but I wouldn’t put it past you” Hughie said, but he looked a little less focused now. A little frazzled. Annie gulped and stepped forward, taking his hand.

“Hey, you know that it's ok right? To be… um, god sorry, what are you identifying as?”  
  


Hughie stared at her for a moment, trying to focus and find some clarity as he brought in a deep inhalation of breath. He knew what he was. Deep down. He didn’t think that he’d said it out loud yet. Not even to Butcher, who had to have all but known.

He looked down at Annie.

“Um, I think I’m bi? I honestly don't know exactly? I just…” Hughie trailed off, and Annie gave a sort of sad grin. It was small, and it was borderline pity, but it was only pity because she understood.

“You just know…” Hughie looked up as Annie whispered those words. Annie was staring at the dirt by her shoes, her face processing. 

Hughie nodded.

“Yeah”

Annie nodded too. Then she looked up.

“I’m proud of you, Hughie...” 

He stared down at her in shock. He felt elated.

“Uh… thank you?” Annie laughed at Hughies questioning statement, moving forward and hugging him tightly. She buried her head in his neck and breathed a moment as he wrapped his arms around her as well.

“Figure your shit out with Butcher, yeah? Then come talk to me…”

  
That’s what Hughie and Annie had last talked about. When he’d made his decision and told Annie what he wanted. He did want Annie.

He _really_ did.

He did want Butcher too though.

At the end of the day it all came down to ‘who was the better option for Hughie’ aaaaaand.

Look, Hughie was coming to a lot of realizations. One, was that in his own, weird, fucked up way, he _loved_ Butcher. He really did. One of the _other_ realizations was that he and Butcher (at least in their current headspace) would _not_ be good for eachother.

Hughie wanted a fresh start. Some change. He wanted to surround himself with people who would _better_ him, and as much as he cared for Butcher (and did plan on remaining in contact) he was done with this whole game.

He felt like he was being torn in two around Butcher. 

Constantly.

Hughie met with Senator Nueman, told her his intentions, and she _brought him in._

_Do your friends know you're here?_

Hughie exhaled heavily, remembering her words.

_No they don’t…_

Nobody was back at their old base. It’s empty now. The Boys were all moving on to bigger and better things, and quite frankly Hughie was happy for everyone. He did, however, still have their numbers through his old burner phone.

One by one, feeling each call with a quick adrenaline flash, he stated ‘Hey, can everyone meet? Like, at that burger joint down the block from…’ he quickly googled the address and everyone gave quick words of affirmation.

“ _Yeah Hugh, lemme just help my kid out, I’ll be down in a bit”_

“ _Bonjour Hughie, ‘f course, s’et me just get my things and Kimiko, and v’ee shall be down soon”_

He had called everyone but Butcher…

He stared at Butcher's number typed in his phone and exhaled, rubbing his face. It was now or never.

He clicked to call.

It rang roughly four times before an answer emerged from the static.

“E’llo’?”

It sounded groggy, rough even. Or maybe sleep deprived? Hughie didn’t know. Couldn’t tell.

Wanted to though.

“Hey, um, hi there, yeah, its uh- its Hugh-”

“Yeah Hugh, I fuckin’ knew it was you, ‘got caller ID”

“Oh… right”

There was this awkward silence that proceeded as Hughie rubbed the side of his forehead with his free hand, eyes clenched shut as his head attacked him with a litany of ‘STUPID’. Hughie clenched his eyes shut in embarrassment as he tried to refine his words. He heard Butcher exhale roughly, like he was rolling his eyes.

“Right lad... you ok?”

Hughie somehow managed to relax at that. It was asked so softly. Like Butcher had dropped his mask for him out of concern.

“Yeah uh... I’m _fantastic_ , just… nothing but all-clear skies over here…I mean, _fuck me_ Butcher, you’re asking about _me_ ? How the fuck are _you_ , are you ok?”

He heard Butcher chuckle, instantly recognizing the shift in his tone. That gentle concern from moments before bleeding away like water down a drain once that care and focus was being turned and directed at _him_. 

“God, why’re ya so fuckin’ highstrung about this Hugh, nagging me to talk about _feelings_ , I'm fuckin’ fine-”

“I- goddamnit this isn’t why I was calling-”

“Well ‘f you don’ care then-”

“NOT WHAT I SAID ASSHOLE, I’M SORRY.. I’M MAD. I HAVEN’T HEARD FROM YOU IN DAYS AND I FUCKING WORRY WHETHER YOUR OK, YOU SHITHEAD FUCKING COLONIZER”

“You what-, oh actin’ like the United States of Overseas Fuckery didn’ do its share o’ colonizin'-”

“FAIR POINT-”

They both exhaled sharply over the phone for a moment before Hughie heard laughter on the other end. It started very suddenly, and it was a lot more laughter than he’d ever actually heard Butcher produce. Hughie kept exhaling as he listened, trying to memorize the sound.

“Christ Hugh’, fuckin’ crackin me up- dumb fucking cunt-” Hughie exhaled again as his response flowed out effortlessly, thoughtlessly “don’t call me a cunt, JK Rowling-”

“No, we don’ talk about that shite fuckin’ author on this call”

Hughie blinked, listening to that sentence, examining it, and simply making an agreeable expression, mouth tucking in and eyes going wide as he nods.

_Fair point._

“Look uh, sorry I got mad and fell off track, I have some news and… I called all the Boys and… now you, obviously” Hughie paused as nothing but silence responded to him, great. He trekked onward “I just wanna talk, can you meet like… right now?”

Butcher seemed a little quieter now on the phone, almost like he was fathoming what Hughie could have to say that he’s calling a _meeting._

“Ooh our Hughie has news, I wond-ah whot it could be… yes, I can meet like.. right now”

Hughie smiled at Butcher parroting his sentence, nodding in slight relief that Butcher could be there.

“Great, great… uh, between fifteen and twenty minutes? Give or take? I don’t know how long the others will be, but I’ll be there in ten so-”

“Then I’ll be there in ten, son-”

Hughie snorted audibly at that, rolling his eyes and snickering as he stated “we made out, I’m not your son” and then proceeded to fucking _hang up_ on Butcher, which he immediately _regretted doing_ , because _oh my god_ they hadn’t actually talked about it. He was trying to be cool but-

Then again, this was Butcher we were talking about. The guy once didn’t answer ten of his consecutive, distanced-out phone calls.

You know what, maybe this _was_ what he deserved.

He quickly texted Butcher the address and began walking to the location. His head was swimming and he didn’t even know where to swim to. 

_What was he going to say?_

Hughie didn’t know…

He walked into the store, saying hi to the waitress as he got them all a seat. The waitress grinned, saying hi back, smiling and moving her hair as Hughie wondered if this place had onion rings. He legitimately couldn’t remember. She gestured for him to follow and he came back from his daze, following after her as she grabbed them a booth.

“Now, is there anything else I can do for you-”

“Yeah, you can fuck off”

Hughie’s head shot up at the extremely sudden and very fucking rude British accent. The girl looked between him and Butcher for only a moment longer before she seemed to nod quickly.

“Right, cool, fucking off, yessir-”

The hostess walked away, moving at a pace that could only be described as ‘I left the stove on at home’ not running, but walking as quickly as humanly possible. Hughie looked at Butcher, mouth hanging open as the asshole sat down in the booth across from him.

“Hey, what the _fuck,_ she’s an underpaid hostess, why are you being so-”

“She‘s flirtin’ with ya Hugh, I just thought you n’ Annie were a thing and wouldn’t want you gettin’ pulled into temptations-”

Hughie tried to dissect that sentence. A lot to unravel for sure.

“Why are you being such a dickhead right now? You were somewhat nice on the phone for like… two seconds? Which is _close_ to a new record, so what, did you _tail_ me or something and see that me and Annie met? Is _that_ it?”

“Yes, but that is beside the point”

Hughie rolled his eyes in irritation, crossing his arms and leaning further back in the booth.

“Then what _is_ the point _exactly_ -”

“There is no _point_ you cheeky lil’ fuck, I’m just makin’ a observation-”

“You know that you _can_ just say your being a dick because you’re grieving”

The words came out of Hughie’s mouth before he could stop them, and he couldn’t find it in him to regret it. I mean, fuck _c’mon_ , he was _frustrated._ This game Butcher was playing wasn’t healthy for either of them. It wasn’t about hurt feelings, Hughie knew this shit meant nothing. It was about Butcher’s need to push away support.

“Billy-”

Butcher said nothing in response to his name as he stared dead ahead before Hughie felt a hand touch his shoulder.

“Hey, did we miss anything”

Hughie turned his head to see them. MM, Kimiko and Frenchie. What horrid fucking timing-

“Oy, you lads missed a’lot actually, our boy Hughie is moving on to greener fuckin’ pastures-”

“Oh? Like what? Damn though, that’s so _great_ Hughie, holy shit-” if Hughie could have captured the face Billy made when MM congratulated him, he would have cherished it forever. He instead had the memory of it though, which was the next best thing. He’d cherish that sheer look of barely contained shock and rage for the rest of his life.

“Oh, no shit-” Frenchie whispered, holding his hand out for Hughie to shake. Hughie did, with a big dopey smile on his face.

“Yeah, sorry he’s been going ahead and stalking my actions for me in order to spoil the surprise of it, like an asshole, but yes, I got a job with Senator Nueman-”

“Yeah, that right fuckin’ bitch- c’mon Hugh, she’s a fuckin’ sleazebag politicion-” Hughie huffed, glaring at him as MM and Frenchie just stood and watched. Hughie shook his head and leaned further back in his seat, arms crossing again as he scoffed “what? So I’m useful enough to be on the ‘Boys’’? You’re kidding yourself Butcher. As much as I love being the cheerleader of this group, I can’t keep doing this-”

MM rose his hand up as Hughie took a breath, whispering a quick “ok, this sounds personal, soo... I’m gonna go stand in the men’s restroom until you're done” he states it so awkwardly, facing a mix of concern and sheer discomfort as he stepped back, turning to walk towards the bathrooms. Hughie didn’t have time to continue his tangent though, because the second he turned back to look at Butcher, the guy was already ranting again.

“Your wastin’ yer time with her, she’s not gonna change _fuck-all_ , I’ve already _been_ down that road- this is our chance to do somethin’ serious, and you're a crucial part’a that dynamic-”

“Eh Hughie, if ‘t makes you feel better, just know zat I support your decision no matter your choice” Hughie turns and nods at Frenchie in appreciation at the same time that Butcher interjects “Frenchie, you fuck off, no ‘m thrilled ‘bout you doing things you like, but those political cunts r’all the same, she doesn’t actually fuckin’ care about us or supes”

Frenchie had, by this point, mysteriously disappeared with Kimiko as Hughie watched Butcher rant, apparently taking Butcher’s order without much question.

“I just don’t trust her Hugh, n I think we're _so close to somethin-_ ” Hughie scoffed as he heard those words leave Butcher’s mouth, not even able to stop himself as a quick “yeah well, wouldn’t be the first time I’d fallen for that-”

Butcher fell into silence, mouth opening as if to continue his previous rant before the words died in his mouth. He froze, staring with his mouth hanging agape before-

“Right then, ‘m done” he states firmly, throwing his napkin and moving his body to step out of the booth. Hughie feels his heart fall down into his stomach as he reaches to grab Butcher’s sleeve.

“Wait- just… fuck, I’m sorry, ok? Yeah it was shitty but I _know_ that you’re trying to be less of a piece of shit-” Hughie whispered and Butcher said nothing. Probably because they both knew Butcher would be a consistent piece of shit for the rest of his life, never fully healed of that trait. He didn’t move though. Butcher stood still, allowing Hughie to hold him there.

“Wow, glowin’ fuckin’ reviews all ‘round then” Butcher laughed but it was humorless as Hughie huffed and made an executive decision. Butcher was smiling humorlessly at him right now, all steel and bravado, his go to mask. His hands were spread across the table, palms flat against the wood from leaning in and yelling. Hughie decided to make the bold, and also very dumb decision to place his hand on top of Butcher’s, which caused his manic smile to fall a bit. He looks back up in order to make eye contact with Hughie, shrugging softly. 

“I wus jus’ havin’ a laugh with you lad, I mean, I _meant all of that,_ but obviously you should go do what ya fuckin’ please, yeah-?”

“Butcher, stop doing this shit with me, they're gone, just say what you fucking mean, please...” Hughie knew he sounded desperate, he knew it but...

Something seemed to spark in Butcher's eyes at those words. He froze, eyes narrowing at Hughie who didn't know if he was gonna get away with those words. This was usually Butcher’s game. Interjecting and cutting people off to hijack the theoretical drivers seat of any situation, and Hughie just j _acked the steering wheel._ He started to consider apologizing before Butcher finally interjected, still breathing heavily with no smile on his face.

“She just... isn't gon’ make any _real change_ Hughie-”

Hughie shrugged at him, just smiling softly “maybe not but… me being here seemed to make a difference for all of you, even if it was small-”

“Wasn’t small Hugh…”

Hughie looked up at that, smiling at Butcher and squeezing Butcher’s hand. Butcher just continued to look at him, staring dead ahead, unafraid of potential eye contact.

“It… was... but, that’s ok. I mean, I just wanna help and… I feel like I’ll be slightly less useless working in a job where I don’t have to _shoot_ _guns_ ” Butcher _did_ laugh at that. Hughie stared at him, trying one last time “Butcher…”

He said nothing, finally breaking the eye contact as he stared distantly to his left. Hughie’s eyes followed to where he led to see the Butcher looking out the window. Hughie’s hand remained firmly planted on top of Butcher’s though.

“Nah, yer right, ‘course you are…” Butcher whispered, as if it pained him to admit. Hughie’s eyebrows shot up “y-your admitting it? What, are you-” he froze, leaned in and spoke more quietly “are you… Butcher, or some supe-”

Butcher did laugh at that “Hugh, hate to break it to ya lad but supe or not, if you were gonna get assassinated by me, it would’a already ‘appened”

Hughie grinned at that, looking down at where their hands were linked. Butcher turned his hand in Hughie’s grip, leaving his palm up as he moved his fingers to grip Hughie’s wrist. Hughie just stared at the act in shock.

“It’s... look, me bein’ a dick about it, just- tell me t' fuck off, you should do it, go pretend yer makin’ a splash out there with the cunts n’ Washington”

Hughie stared ahead in shock and awe. What had gotten into Butcher. Had he just been acting like an asshole to give them more alone time? To scare off the other three? Or had he actually wanted Hughie to stay.

“I just kind of thought you wouldn’t really have an opinion Butcher, I mean, you constantly leave me on the sidelines with shit, so maybe I’m better suited for a different kind of justice, you know- I kind of thought that you’d-”

“What, be excited for ya-”

Hughie gulped “um, yeah I guess?”

The hand on his wrist gripped _tightly,_ holy fuck… his hand stroked little lines up and down along the bone of Hughie’s wrist and all he could do was hold his breath.

“I am happy for ya Hugh…” he whispered, looking up at Hughie and shrugging, bringing Hughie’s wrist forward across the table as he kisses it gently. Hughie holds his breath at the feel of a rough beard and lips placing such a gentle kiss on his skin, unsure of how he should be reacting, but before he can say anything else, it's over.

Butcher releases Hughie’s wrist and his humorless smile returns. He grabs his jacket from beside him on the booth and quickly slides out the booth, eyes staying trained on Hughie as he does it. Hughie’s eyes follow in suit, looking up at Butcher as he stands. The man is haphazardly throwing on his jacket, looking like he’s about to leave before placing a hand on Hughie’s shoulder, looking at him.

“I hope that for both of are sakes, you do make a difference”

And then he was turning to _leave_ and-

“Wait, Butcher-”

Butcher turned back to a soft exhale to look at him, unable to bring his fake smile back as he looked at Hughie tiredly.

“Are you ok” Hughie asked it very gently, standing up from the booth and standing across from him, treating Butcher like a feral animal that could attack or flee at any moment. It seems that all of Butcher’s bravado had bled away though as he smiles sadly and shrugs “just tired, Hugh”

And then he turned, and he was _gone._

  
  



	5. Season 2: Episode 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hughie and Butcher quit playing games.
> 
> WARNING: SMUT IS IN THIS CHAPTER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys... words cannot describe how much your comments and your patience means. I had so much fun writing this. I really feel like I tapped into some fun, emotional beats and I enjoyed every minute of it. Everything you guys say means the world. I didn't really expect anyone to read this? I was more or less writing it for me, but it just means so much to hear how much you guys enjoy it, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
> 
> I know this is the last chapter, so I just wanted you guys to know how much it means. Writing is something I'm newer too? Fanfiction has been an easy way for me to practice, but I was still worried that my writing would just be absolute garbage, but to see you guys catching the themes I'm trying to throw in and discussing, I swear it just made my world. So I'm thrilled you guys like it, and I thank you for joining me on this ride.
> 
> I think this will be the longest chapter yet, so we're ending with a bang. I really hope it lives up.
> 
> Love you all, thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, seriously, thank you.
> 
> PS: Named this one episode 9 since this is the only chapter that will take place after the season finale (still trying to keep it canon complaint though, who knows what will happen when season 3 rolls around *wink wink* stay tuned.

Ok, what the _fuck?_

Hughie stared down at the litany of sent calls. None of them answered. All of them were completely _ignored._

“Goddamnit Butcher” he muttered to himself. He was currently pacing within his old room as he stared at the phone. His Dad must have heard and become concerned, because suddenly his cracked door was being pushed open. 

“Everything alright, Hugh?”

He suddenly became sucked out of his own world as he turned to look at his Dad. 

“Oh, uhh, fine, yeah _fine,_ uh, everything is fine-” his Dad scoffed at him mid sentence, arms crossing as he shook his head at his son “uh, Hughie, up until _four days ago,_ you were a total fugitive on the run from both the law _and_ Vaught, which was extremely distressing for _me,_ so I _know_ you aren’t just ‘fine’-”

Hughie stared at him blankly, shrugging.

“I don’t know Dad, I mean, it's not fugitive related trauma so don’t worry, it's just…” just _what._ How could he explain any of this shit to his Dad. Quite frankly, his past life had become as ridiculous as _A Series Of Unfortunate Events._ He didn’t even want to _try_ and explain half the shit they’d run into (he still barely believed MM’s story about the supe with the attacking penis). 

But none of this was even about _that._ It was about _Butcher_ and the fact that he was _disappearing again._

_‘Just like Mom…’_ his brain nearly halted as the little voice in his head whispered those words. He quickly shook it off.

“Uh, one of us just isn’t answering his phone, and it's slightly distressing. I promise, I’m fine” he whispered most of it. His Dad nodded, as if absorbing the information, taking a tentative step forward and leaving the doorway. 

“Which one?”

Hughie’s brain short-circuited.

“Huh” he asked, and his Dad gulped and scratched the back of his head tentatively.

“Which one? I’m not trying to pry, I promise, I just…” he stopped dead in his tracks and looked back at Hughie “I don’t want you to feel like you can’t talk to me, and… it's good to vent? I don’t know Hugh, you just… you went through _a lot_ and I just…” his Dad seemed to stop after a few moments, apparently unsettled by Hughie's shocked silence. He pushed his mouth closed and shrugged.

“Um, I don’t know, maybe I’m overstepping, I’m sorry-”

“No-”

They both spoke at the same time, interrupting each other. His Dad laughed a little.

“Um, ok… well why don’t you tell me about it, I can put some pizza rolls in the-”

“Dad, I’m trying to find a nice way to word it, but _I do not want any fucking pizza rolls_ ” Hughie ground out, and his Dad laughed, stating simply “I _will_ reconvince you, but ok… why don’t you start at the beginning…”

Fuck, the _beginning._

That was roughly the moment Hughie realized that _if_ he was going to tell this story, he would _have_ to come out to his Dad. It was never a situation that he thought he would find himself in. Never a milestone on the agenda that he’d planned for. Even back in the early days of his realization that he was bi, he hadn’t even considered the idea of telling his Dad. It was just so far down the list of his priorities, that he hadn’t even let the idea settle until this moment, and without the time and distance to properly figure out what he was going to say, (or how to lie around it alternatively) that idea settled in him like an anchor.

“Um…” his throat was dry as he stuttered out the single word. _Fuck, what was he going to say._ He could _lie._ He could say its relationship struggles between him and Annie, but he’d already told his Dad that it was one of the Boys (originally not expecting him to pry) so he had to come up with a different story. His Dad all the while seemed to wait patiently for him to say anything. He had this look of concern etched onto his features and that look alone was stressing Hughie out, so he caved and-

“Um, I think I’m in love with a man, which has never happened before, and now that man hasn’t answered my texts in like… three fucking days” 

The air got tense immediately, and Hughie couldn’t tell if it was just him, or if his Dad had froze as well. Hughie didn’t breathe as he watched his Dad’s expression. His eyebrows had risen and his mouth opened slightly but his Dad said nothing. He simply stared for a minute before snapping his mouth shut and gulping. Hughie couldn’t look anymore, so he just turned back to his bed and sat down, letting out a self-deprecating laugh.

“Fuck, I’m sorry…” Hughie apologized, just as he always did when he felt cornered. He had only _just_ started working for Nueman, and he was _stressed as hell,_ and he didn’t know _why_ he blurted everything out that way, it had just been-

“Wait, which one?”

Hughie’s head shot up as he looked at his Dad again, who’s expression had changed from the previous look of shock back into concern. Hughie opened his mouth but no words fell out for several seconds before he managed to whisper a choked “B-Billy Butcher?”

His Dad’s eyes rolled.

“Aw man Hugh, I guess you always did have a type, huh…” Hughie couldn’t even find words for this reaction from his Dad, it wasn’t even in the fucking _books_ for him.

“Um, uh, w-what-” his Dad’s head shook in surprise and he smiled slightly and laughed.

“Nah, I just mean… you know what, never mind what I mean-” his Dad was trying to backtrack, but now Hughie was nearly manic with his curiosity (though it was mainly the adrenaline of having just _come out_ that fueled his interest). His Dad still had yet to acknowledge this fact.

“Nah, say what you mean, now I need to know-”

His Dad laughed into his hands as he whispered “I just mean you like people who are extroverted and take charge, and the minute I saw that guy it made total sense how you got wrapped up in all this, he honestly reminded me of…”

He was going to say Robin, which Hughie didn’t _fully_ appreciate. It wasn’t that his Dad didn’t _like_ Robin, in fact he had liked her _a lot_ before everything had happened. He knew his Dad meant it more along the lines of Hughie’s type being someone who ‘takes charge’, but Robin was not _nearly_ as aggressive about that as Butcher was. It wasn’t entirely accurate, but then again, his Dad didn’t really know either of them as intimately as Hughie did in order to notice the details.

It was the first time Hughie had thought about that though. How Robin _was_ similar in a lot of ways to Billy. Just a significantly less _unhinged_ version.

_‘Hughie, c’mon, I LIKE you dude, I’ve been making that VERY obvious, will you PLEASE just say 'Robin, your cute and I like you, can I buy you a drink'’_ that had been how Robin had asked him out. He’d been beating around the bush for a while, and she’d been waiting patiently until those words had spilled from her mouth in the middle of the bar, and Hughie had felt _frozen._

He needed that though. The _confrontation._ It was important for him, because he wasn’t an initiator. 

He still felt frozen but managed to finally find his voice, small yet clear as he whispered “Dad, I really love him, and… he’s such a dickhead, and a total fucking headache, and I don’t know where the _fuck_ he is and he isn’t _answering_ and yet I’m still fucking _worried,_ I just…”

He shut himself up as the unspoken words lingered. The same words his mind had whispered to him earlier.

_‘What if he leaves me like Mom’_

Hughie didn’t say it, but his Dad understood enough. He moved forward to sit next to him on the couch.

“Listen… Hughie. First off, I do not care that your… whatever you are, gay, straight, anything in between, I do not care and I am so _proud_ of you, _ok?”_

Hughie pushed his forehead into his hands as he nodded. His Dad put his hand on his shoulder in an attempt to be comforting, and to Hughie’s surprise it actually _was._

“Ok… next, you cannot let that stuff control your life, ok? Things… things just happen Hughie, and I know I just compared Robin and uh… Butcher? Is that- yeah, nah, that’s it. I compared them but even they are two totally different people with totally different backgrounds and situations, ok? Please do not let that stuff with… with your _Mom…_ please don’t let it cripple you, ok? I want-”

He was hugging his Dad now. How could he not. It was the first time his Dad had discussed his Mom in _fucking years._ He hugged his Dad like a fucking lifeline as his Dad continued to rub his shoulder, hugging him back.

“I’m sorry if we didn’t… discuss that. We should have sooner. I just _couldn’t though._ It was hard to think about. It still _is-”_

“Yeah, I know Dad…”

“I uh… really regretted the last time your Mom and I saw each other. I started replaying events in my head thinking ‘God, what if I had done that differently’ and maybe that might have fixed things but… Hughie, if you love him, and he loves you, and it's meant to work out… he’ll answer, ok?”

Hughie scoffed slightly, releasing his death grip on his Dad as he pulled back to look at him, wiping tears from his eyes desperately.

“I think that’s the _thing_ though, I… I don’t think this relationship _was_ meant to work out, I think we bring out the worst in each other-”

“Hughie, you can’t think of a relationship that way, you just… you just can’t. Your Mom and I- I mean, no details but… clearly your Mom left for one reason or another but… I mean, I don’t regret that relationship. I got _you_ out of it, so was all of that just a waste?”

Hughie didn’t really have an answer to that. His mouth opened and then promptly closed again, so his Dad trekked on his son's silence.

“Listen Hugh. This guy clearly matters to you. It all depends on you. I didn’t try to chase after your Mom when she left. She just… walked out the door and was gone. I never thought it would be the last time we’d see her, and I just figured ‘she’ll be back’ and when she wasn’t…” he trailed off, unsure of how to deal with the wave of emotions and Hughie stared at him with wide eyes. The same wide eyes that stared at him when he told him he didn’t know where his mother was all those years ago, and it hurt for two seconds, but he trekked onward. 

“I sometimes think back and wonder… ‘well what if I had chased after her’ and maybe that wouldn’t have fixed anything, and maybe we’d still be exactly where we are today but… you're already _chasing_ him. You’re _doing_ the thing that I failed to do, and if he still isn’t answering you then… well, you can’t _fix him_ Hugh. People can’t be _fixed._ They can be _helped,_ and _guided_ but not _fixed._ You’re so much braver than I ever was, and I’m so proud of the person you’ve become, so… just don’t lose sleep over him, yeah? You're doing your part. You're helping. But if he isn’t answering, he clearly is off in his own head, and the only one who can _fix_ Billy Butcher is _Billy Butcher”_

Hughie stared at his Dad. It wasn’t exactly the comfort he had been hoping for, but…

He knew.

Deep down he knew these things, it was just…

“I know, it’s just so hard _not to care…”_ Hughie whispered, and his Dad gave him a sympathetic smile.

“Aw Hugh, I know… and no one is asking you to _not care_ , we’re just… asking you to not sacrifice yourself over it. Over him. You’re so much more than _one relationship_ Hughie, you’re bigger than that”

So Hughie waited. And _waited._ The talk with his Dad had slightly helped with his nerves. He’d go to work for Senator Nueman and he finally reached a point where he wasn’t constantly checking his phone for updates. He’d keep in touch with MM and Frenchie, but of course they never heard from him either.

He’d spend time with Annie, work, go home, spend time with his Dad, work, go home. It helped to disconnect his brain from its state of flux and worry involving Butcher, but yeah. His Dad was right. Butcher _wasn’t_ his responsibility, and maybe Butcher _needed_ some space and time alone to figure himself out. I mean, the guy only _just_ lost his wife. Even if they weren’t technically together, that still had to be a significant _blow._

So Hughie lived his life. Eventually he made enough money to rent his own studio apartment. It was old and nasty and he was about sixty-five percent sure the landlord was a serial killer, but it was _his._

_‘Look at that Robin? I finally got out of my Dad’s house’_

It wasn’t the promotion that they’d discussed before her death, but it was arguably better. He felt like she’d be _proud_ of him. Hell, _he_ was proud of him.

So he was moved in and feeling good. Hughie quickly grabbed a beer from the mini-fridge he’d haphazardly placed in the corner of some moving boxes. As he opened it and drank a sip, he felt that nagging urge again to _check his phone._ He still felt pretty fucked up over Butcher, he wasn’t going to lie. When he and Annie had talked a while back, she told him to figure his shit out and _then_ talk to her, and he fully intended to do that but..

How could he figure it out when it was left _this open-ended._

He was following his Dad’s advice. He _really_ was. He didn’t feel _guilty,_ but he did feel… discontent. Mainly he felt discontent on the way they’d left things. Butcher looking on the verge of breaking while Hughie desperately tried to get honest responses out of him. 

His Dad was right though. None of that was on Hughie. If Butcher wanted to suffer in solitude, what could he do? Hughie _wasn’t_ Butcher. He couldn’t track people, or find locations. If Butcher didn’t want to be found, he wasn’t going to find anything. 

Which _sucked._

It honestly pissed Hughie off how overpowered Butcher was compared to him within their acquaintance. It felt like Hughie was always being found by Butcher, or rescued by Butcher, and even though Butcher VERY RARELY tried to reassure him that he wasn’t a total waste of space, he always managed to still _feel_ like one, so… 

He kept taking swigs of beer until a warm feeling settled in him, and he seemed to make an executive decision right then and there.

If _anything_ was born of this weird, fucked up little relationship between Hughie and Butcher, it was Hughie’s _confidence._ Ironically found _despite_ Butcher rather than _because_ of him. Still, Hughie felt this confidence moving through him like a living thing. Maybe _that_ was what he needed to use to get Butcher to answer. He was tired of these tentative messages that he’d sent.

_‘Are you ok?’_

_‘Please just let me know if you're alive?’_

_‘Hey, is everything ok?’_

It wasn’t. Hughie knew it wasn’t, there was no way it _could be_ after what Butcher had gone through, and it suddenly hit Hughie how _dumb_ these messages were. Not because they were bad messages, but because _of fucking course_ Butcher wasn’t going to answer them. It wasn’t in his nature to ask for help.

_‘I can’t make him drink, but… I can lead him to water'_

So Hughie felt a rush of boldness as he started typing. Normally a bad combination, but Hughie didn’t even let himself worry as he typed out a text.

_‘Billy. I know you’re seeing these. I know you told me you were tired. And I get it. I think beneath all my anger, I was tired too when Robin died. I mean, yeah I was mad, but I was also just numb. I felt empty. I think that feeling of emptiness can cause you to feel tired. It’s why I ultimately decided to help you.’_

He paused, wondering if this was too revealing, but decided to trek onwards despite it.

_‘Being around you was the first time I felt anything since she died. And then I met Annie, and obviously it was similar with her, but… I told you that I realized I liked you in that whale. I realized a lot of things’_

_‘If I’m your canary, then I think that you’re mine too, together or not, I fucking need you’_

He pauses as he stares at that text. It’s _so much_ to drop over text, and Hughie didn’t _want it_ this way but… fuck it. He can’t wait forever, he had to get this off his chest. He had to do _something_ to make himself feel like he wasn't leaving this open-ended.

_‘Despite all the bad shit that came with it at times, you gave me my spark back. I felt so dead inside for so long, and then I met you, and as poisonous as we were for each other back then, me grieving and you still being in full murder mania mode, you helped me come to terms with Robin’s death, even if it was on a road of revenge, I ultimately found the catharsis I needed to find, and you helped me find it. Unintentionally or not. Even at the end, when you said regrettable shit, I didn’t feel offended or hurt, I just felt determined. Like I knew I was doing the right thing, but I don’t think you’re that guy anymore either Billy. I’ve seen you at your best and your worst. I know how much pain you must be in, but please don’t let it ruin you. I’ve seen what you can be, and I want to see more of that’_

And he did. Hughie did want to see more of that side of Butcher. He saw it when Butcher saved his life from Black Noir. He saw it when he was bleeding out and Butcher managed to drive him to the hospital. He’s seen the side of Butcher that _cares so deeply._ Maybe _too_ deeply. And that must _scare_ Butcher _senseless._

  
  


_‘Just take your time healing, please? I almost let it destroy me back then, and I know how it feels to want to blow up on the world and become bitter, and I know to an extent you already are but, I promise, you have people. MM and Frenchie, you have Judy and…_

Hughie barely hesitated a second before his fingers moved

_‘And you have me. Please just keep in touch. Let us know your ok. We all care about you, even though you act like a dick and you push us away constantly, we aren’t going to stop fighting for you. I’m not going to stop fighting for you, ok?’_

_‘Text me back please...’_

_‘I love you, man’_

Hughie hit send, trying not to fall into full panic as he threw his phone and started chugging his beer. He started to panic over the text, and tried haphazardly to calm his brain back down, but when that didn’t work he started pacing. His ears listened closely for a text, but he didn’t receive one right away, and that caused his heart to sink. Still, this was better to live with than the not knowing from before. He’d said his piece, and he figured the ‘man’ at the end of his ‘I Love You’, would dull the blow a bit. He’d _tried._ If this didn’t work, realistically what could Hughie do-

_‘Bzzzzzzrb’_

_Shit._

His phone had vibrated on the couch where he’d thrown it, and he froze. He looked at it like it was a cursed object, stepping towards it slowly and with huge hesitance. He felt nervous to even touch it. To turn it over and see the notification.

Though, he also knew that if Butcher _needed_ him, or if _any_ of those texts had gotten Butcher to come to his senses, he would have to be on the other end of the line to talk, so-

He placed his hand on the phone and slowly lifted it off the couch to look at it. 

_‘You moved out of your Dad’s?’_

Hughie’s eyebrows rose. To be honest, that wasn’t the text he’d been expecting to receive but..

He shook his head and started typing.

_‘Yeah I did. Why?’_

He barely noticed his shaking hand as he waited for a response. He thought of tossing the phone again, but he could already see the little symbol indicating that Butcher was responding, and he felt frozen where he stood.

‘ _Because I’m at your Dad’s house’_

Hughie read and re-read that text time and time again. He felt brain-dead. He felt like he needed a defibrillator to bring him back to life. 

_‘And what are you doing there?’_

He’d asked it playfully, but then got nervous about the fact that playful didn’t exactly read well in a _text._ It almost sounded _rude._ Hughie nearly panicked when the response took a little longer this time, so he began to type.

‘ _Not a bad thing btw just didn’t expect you to be there’_

He felt a little better after that text, but his panic was still there.

Then again, when wasn’t it?

He felt his phone vibrate again and opened his texts as calmly as he could.

_‘I wanted to see you’_

And Hughie almost dropped his phone from the _shock_. He started typing quicker to respond than he ever had before. 

‘ _T_ _hen come see me’_

He let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding as he shook slightly, moving his fingers across the screen to text Butcher the address. Immediately after doing that he threw his phone again, not wanting to see anything else. He tried to calm down. He didn’t know why he was freaking out. It wasn’t that he was _nervous_ but he was definitely _jittery._ It was sheer adrenaline. Had he known it would be this simple, he would have sent this text much sooner.

So Hughie waited. And waited. And _waited some more._ Eventually he started to question whether or not Butcher was actually coming. He was halfway through his third beer when he heard a knock at the door. Hughie shot up, looking to the door like it was a final boss.

He started walking forward towards the door, placing his hand on the handle and opening the door to see Billy’s exhausted face. He looked rough. Like he hadn’t been sleeping. His hair, which was usually in disarray anyway, seemed even _more_ chaotic than usual, and Hughie gulped slightly as they locked eyes. 

“Um… hi” Hughie whispered, looking forward at Butcher, and _wow,_ that was something to get used to. Hughie was always taller than his partners usually, but with Butcher they were the same height. Hughie looked dead ahead at him and Butcher did the same, quirking a small smile at Hughie’s awkward greeting.

“Hi Hughie” he whispered, which shocked Hughie _immensely_ . It was completely uncoated by sarcasm and said in a tone that could _almost_ be misconstrued as _nice._

Hughie loved it. He beamed immediately at Butcher, pulling him inside and hugging him.

“You fucking _dick_ …” he whispered, holding Butcher there as he felt Butcher’s arms tentatively wrap around him as well. He placed his head on the side of Butcher’s, resting himself there and he felt Butcher sink into him, exhaling deeply, like he’d been holding in that shaky breath for days. Hughie shook slightly as he started to whisper “I can’t believe you ignored all my fucking texts and the one that got you to respond was me saying ‘I love you’-”

He felt Butcher grin against his neck as Butcher whispered in return “don’t forget that lovely li’l ‘man’ you decided to place at the end of it” and Butcher said it as a joke, obviously, but Hughie pulled back and gave him a sheepish grin “oh, you didn’t like that? Sorry, let, me fix it, I fucking love you”.

This plunged them into silence, and Hughie felt like he should probably be nervous. He wasn’t sure. All he knew was Butcher’s face had gone still and blank, yet Hughie wasn’t nervous. He must have already worn our all his nerves. He simply trekked on.

“I don’t think I can date you, at least for right now, I’m going to be honest... I feel like we bring out the worst in each other, but… Billy, I cannot imagine my life without you, ok? A-and if that _isn’t_ love, then-”

He didn’t even get to finish. Butcher was pushing him forward and placing his hand firmly at the back of Hughie’s head. He surged forward and their lips met in an almost awkward angle. Hughie only stood shocked for a second before he melted into Butcher, placing his hands on Butcher’s waist as he moved his own lips against Butcher’s. The drag was _intoxicating._

Butcher pulled back, moving his lips to Hughie’s neck as he whispered “I don’t…” and Hughie almost got _nervous_ over Billy stuttering over his words. He’d never seen him so thoroughly _derailed_ “I don’t know what to say, I… obviously I love you too-”

“Good, then we’re in agreement” Hughie broke in, pushing forward once more as his lips met Butcher’s, and the older man allowed the action for only a few moments before he pulled back roughly and made direct eye contact with Hughie, trying to shake off the little noise of disappointment Hughie made when he pulled away. A noise that had him _reeling._

“I can’t be with ya either… I’m not… _good for people-”_

“First off, no self-deprecation tonight, ok? New rule. But Butch- fuck sorry, Billy, look at me” surprisingly he did, and for the first time since Hughie met Butcher, he felt like the man was being a hundred percent serious with him. No games. No sarcasm. Just honesty. That feeling made every shitty step along the way worth it. He was _so proud_ of Billy for even _allowing_ this. 

So Hughie wanted to help. To give him something in return for the trust he was being given.

“Billy, just because I don’t think we can date doesn’t mean I want you to just _give up,_ ok? You are so _worthy_ of love underneath your fifty-five steel walls-” he listened to Billy snort, unable to stop the sarcastic “s that an exact numbah-” that fell out of his mouth, but Hughie knew to promptly move past it “yes, it is, but Butcher, you’re so blinded by how much you _dislike yourself_ you don’t see how much you’ve _grown,_ I mean just look at what you did for that kid-”

Butcher immediately tensed, because they were in rocky waters right now with the conversation. Hughie _knew_ that mentioning Becca held the risk of him shutting down, but he was being _so open_ right now, and Hughie _knew_ that he needed to get this shit off his chest.

“You saved him. Hell, maybe you saved the world through doing that, it's untelling, but you _did the right thing._ You were going to give him back to Vaught and _you didn’t”_

Butcher clearly felt insecure and guilty with his previous decision to turn the kid in. Even though he ultimately made the right choice, his original attempt at betrayal seemed to still haunt him, because he couldn’t look Hughie in the eye anymore. He was staring at his own boots when Hughie placed his hand on the side of Billy’s beard, moving his fingers through the course texture.

“Billy, I really betrayed Annie. I was _spying_ on her for the vast majority of our relationship. I did some unforgivable shit, ok? And you know what? She still wants to associate with me. I don’t know if I’ll ever truly be forgiven by her, I mean hell, I honestly haven't _fully_ forgiven myself but… but she still cares about me for whatever reason, you know? And I care about her. And I’m not telling you this to hurt your feelings or make you jealous but… I’m explaining that you have to forgive yourself at some point and just _admit_ that you _at least_ aren’t a bad person. I know that it's hard, but it's also _true._ So I’ll do this for you”

He took Butcher's hand in his and brought it to his lips, looking Butcher dead in the eyes as his other hand stayed resting on Butcher’s rough cheek.

“I forgive you for the shitty things you did to me, ok? I know how badly you were hurting when you did them, but that’s just more proof of how much you’ve changed. I mean, in the moment, when you were arguably the _most hurt,_ you _still_ did the right thing, ok? I forgive you, and if Becca were here, she’d be so fucking grateful that you protected her son…”

Hughie, didn’t know if any of this shit was wise to say, but he decided to plow forward. If he was already in for the penny, he might as well be in for the pound.

“I meant everything I said in that text, ok? You gave me something that I thought I’d lost when Robin died. In a lot of ways, a piece of me had died with her. But then you showed up and totally shook up my whole life, but in many ways I _needed_ that. You mentioned that I reminded you of Becca? Well, you reminded me of Robin. I always needed someone to _push me_ in life, because _otherwise_ I’d sit silently in the corner out of fear to speak my mind. Robin always helped get me out of my shell, but you gave me that strength back… the strength to find out who I am. What I needed. I have no doubt that if Robin…” he almost froze on the pain in the sentence, blinking back tears as he continued “If Robin had lived I would have reached this point the same way I reached it with you, but… you gave me that feeling back when I needed it _most_ . You gave me a purpose again. I was just drifting, but you put me back in orbit, and even though it was toxic and messy and _honestly,_ we _both_ probably _needed_ and _still need_ therapy _,_ I just felt like I was finally using my life for a purpose. And even though Robin was the excuse, a lot of that purpose was just from helping _you”_

_“_ That was why I was so furious initially, but when you showed back up like nothing had happened that first day... God, I just remembered being so mad. I’d had the _biggest_ crush on you, and when you suddenly showed back up after having bailed on me, and on the Boys, it just felt like such a ‘fuck you’ but… I think I needed time to get over the anger? Because at the end of the day, I got it. I mean, I _was_ you at one point, how could I _not_ get it . But I remembered being so mad because I gave up _everything_ for you and you still acted like… like I was just a pawn in the grand scheme… but then when you saved me? Shit... because I had realized that I liked you in that whale, and I was kind of on a downward spiral.. I uh… didn’t feel so hot mentally and I think I was ready to 'give in' a bit? Which sounds bad, but… but then you saved me and… and I felt that fire relight all over again. And to this day, I’ll never forget the look you gave me afterwards. You… you looked at me, and I _felt it, Billy._ How much you cared. I had just never caught a glimpse of it before then. You never let it show until then. God, we give off such strong Lestat and Louis vibes-”

That one _did_ get a small laugh out of Butcher; a laugh that almost sounded _rough_ and Hughie blinked and looked closer at where Butcher was looking down.

“Holy _shit, Butcher, are you ok?”_

Billy was _fucking crying_ in Hughie’s hand and Hughie _panicked._ He never thought that this could happen as Butcher pushed into Hughie’s arms and Hughie just held him in silence for a moment. The silence only lasted for that one moment however before a soft voice that Hughie barely registered as Butcher’s emerged.

“‘M sorry I made you feel that way, I… I just can’t fuckin’ talk like a normal person Hugh, I used to know how, and now? I jus' feel like I _don’t know how_ -” Hughie shushed him as he buried his face in Butchers neck, holding him “hey, shh, its… it's ok Billy, _it’s ok_. I think we both are self-aware enough to know that we wouldn’t be the healthiest relationship out there” Butcher laughed at that wetly, shaking his head as he pulled away, and for a moment Hughie thought that the moment would be over. That Butcher would have received the comfort he so desperately needed and would leave it at that.

But Hughie was never so happy to be proven wrong by Butcher.

The man kissed him once again, though it was different than the desperate kiss from before. Like Butcher had been holding it in. This was a patient kiss. It took its time. Hughie felt the soft press of Butcher’s lips against his but it was gentle and unhurried, and Butcher pulled back just to rest his forehead against Hughie’s. He then grinned suddenly, eyes closing as he kept his head against Hughie's, chuckling into their shared space.

“Which one of us is Lestat”

“Billy, you _know_ which one of us is Lestat…”

He shook his head and sighed “god, I would be the one played by the Scientologist” he whispered before kissing Hughie again. A quick peck before it turned deeper, and Hughie was _here for it._ He felt hands reach for his waist and rest there as Butcher pulled him flush against him. Hughie simply groaned into his mouth, moving his arm around Butcher;s shoulder and holding him closer, encouraging the adjustment.

“God, we should have done this sooner…” he whispered, and Hughie laughed at him, giving him a baffled look “we _could have,_ but somebody didn’t _want to-”_

“I didn’t… we honestly still _shouldn’t…”_

And Butcher was right. They _shouldn’t._ This had probably been the most _depressing_ love confession of all time. Rather than bold declarations of love, it was the statement mixed with all these negative emotions. This full understanding that _neither of them_ were healthy enough mentally for the other. 

_And yet…_

Hughie just shrugged and moved his head forward again as Butcher allowed the action, the hands resting on Hughie’s hips moving around until he gripped to palmfuls on Hughie’s ass, bringing him closer. And _fuck,_ Hughie found that _addicting._

He could already feel himself getting hard, despite the level of raw emotion he was experiencing. He wasn’t sure if Butcher was the same, but he _was_ sure that Butcher _had to know_ he was getting hard. His erection (even through his jeans) was pressing directly onto Butcher’s thigh, and Hughie started to pull away from embarrassment when the hands on him kept him in place.

“No, don’t… just…” Butcher seemed to be having a hard time articulating as he closed his eyes and shook his head, one hand moving up Hughie’s body to splay over his chest “we can leave it at this after tonight and… I’ll go back to working for the CIA and being a right tosser, and you go t’work for that Washington snake-”

“Senator Nueman” Hughie chuckled, relishing in the eye roll he got from Butcher.

“Right, sure, why not, but… maybe just for tonight we can… can I stay with you?”

There were so many layers to that question, Hughie didn’t even begin to know where to start unraveling it. But he would be damned if he didn’t.

“Yes, of course, yes, please stay-” he didn’t even finish his sentence before Butcher pressed against him once more, kissing Hughie's neck as Hughie _finally_ could feel Butcher’s hard on press against his own leg, and any and all embarrassment from before went _entirely_ out the window.

So Hughie kissed back, giving his hips an experimental roll against Butcher’s thigh to see how he’d react.

The results? Astounding.

He moaned slightly against Hughie’s mouth. It was quiet. Hughie almost thought he’d imagined it. But then results were immediate as Butcher started pushing Hughie back gently, moving them inside as Hughie rushed to shut the apartment door behind them.

“Fuckin’ ‘ell Hugh” he slurred, breathing against Hughie’s neck as they split apart for air, but Hughie was impatient “shut up” he whispered before kissing him again, moving one hand to Butcher’s hip as the other hand slid down from Butcher’s face to Butchers pants.

He pressed slightly, almost timidly. Hughie figured he was allowed to be at least _a little_ timid, I mean, this was his first time touching a dick that _wasn’t_ his. 

Butcher seemed to pay his inexperience no mind as his own hand left Hughie to move over the hand resting at the front of Butcher’s jeans. Hughie felt himself start to blush as one of Butcher’s rough hands (the one not preoccupied with Hughie’s) cupped his face.

“Don’t tell m’to shu’ up, dumb fuckin’ cun-” he was cut off though by Hughie as Hughie placed his mouth on Butcher’s neck and softly nipped the skin there. He felt Butcher _jolt_ “christ Hugh-”

“I told you not to call me a cunt” he stated simply, still pressed against Butcher’s lips, and he both heard and _felt_ Butcher moan against him. Hughie gave another involuntary roll of his hips at the sound, and pressed the heel of his palm a little more firmly against Butcher as he did so, still pressed against Butcher’s thigh.

“Fuck Hugh, s’much as I’m lovin’ this, less ya want me to go crazy on yer fuckin’ floor, m’ suggestin that we… fuck just… where is your bedroom?”

He asked the question with a certain level of frustration, which caused Hughie to laugh as he pulled his head back from Butcher, giving him one last squeeze before letting go to grip his hand (and calmly ignoring the noise Butcher made as a result of that).

“Shit… I t-thought about this-”

“Yeah me too”

Hughie kept pulling him through the hallway, ignoring how tight Butcher’s grip was on his hand.

“Are you sure, Hughie?”

He paused in the hallway, turning to look at Butcher. They were in front of his door now. So close to what they clearly both wanted. Hughie didn’t say anything. He just smiled at Butcher and kissed him. It was so chaste and so tender. Butcher noted how _tenderly_ Hughie touched him. Because Hughie was so much _like him._ He loved with his whole heart. He wore that on his sleeve, much like Butcher. But where Hughie would silence himself, Butcher would over-exert. Always fighting and causing problems. Unable to handle when shit in his life goes wrong, because it fucking _hurts._ You invest _everything,_ and you _lose everything._ But you never truly _lose everything._ It’s impossible. New things come along. New places, and jobs, and experiences. _New people._ Butcher had taken his people for granted, he could very clearly see that now but… 

God, he knew he wasn't ready for Hughie, but he wanted to be.

Butcher kissed back, taking the kiss for what it was. He pushed Hughie into his room, backing him towards the bed and pushing him down on the mattress before briefly seeing a black can in the corner and glaring at it promptly, still breathing heavily, before turning to glare at Hughie.

“I will _buy you_ fucking cologne ‘f it gets you t’ _stop_ using that _middle school shite-_ ”

“Then buy it for me, I like Chrome Azzaro” he stated simply, pressing his lips briefly into Butcher’s following the sentence, and Butcher moaned against him as Hughie moved his hands to the end of Butcher’s shirt.

“Take it off please?” Hughie whined, half joking, but Butcher just laughed “Christ, I should’a known you’d be a fuckin’ brat” he whispered, and Hughie shivered at the choice of wording.

“Always, now take your shirt off” he whispered in the most sly voice he could manage. He felt his reward for the wording through the shiver going down Butcher’s spine and he nearly felt like he was vibrating from the moment. Things sped up as Butcher pushed him down on the mattress, climbing on top of him and moving his knees to kneel above Hughie, who lay on the mattress between his legs looking up at him expectantly “take your fucking shirt off man, damn, let me see what the brits have to offer”

Butcher said nothing though as he laid directly on Hughie, covering the leaner man's body with his own.

Their erections brushed through their jeans and Hughie squirmed under Butcher as the other man took Hughie’s wrists within his own, moving them above Hughie’s head on the mattress.

“Shoulda known, god from minute one, yer s-so fuckin-” he paused, seemed to skip a word, and pressed onward “but, y’look like a fuckin’ twink-” Hughie blinked. _There was that fucking word again._ Maive had said the same thing. Hughie laughed to himself, shaking his head “I still don’t know the _slang,_ sorry-”

“Means yer pretty Hugh” he said it very quickly in response to Hughie’s joke, and Hughie just-

God, he lost it.

He couldn’t move his wrists. He was trapped underneath Butcher’s weight, but he _could_ lean up to press lingering kisses to anywhere he could reach. He wasn’t used to _this_ . Being with a man was so _different_ to being with a woman, yet Hughie didn’t even seem phased by the transition. He was _convinced_ that it was because _this was Butcher._

“W-what do you want from this Hugh, ‘cause I’ll take anything y’give me, but…” he paused, breathing heavily above Hughie, eyes totally _blown_ , and _god that’s-_

“Fuck, that’s sexy…” he whispered, not really meaning to blurt it, but the words came out shaky and exhaled anyway. He felt Butcher shutter slightly, a small smile moving across his features as he let out a shaky laugh and whispered “what? Consent?”

“Well yes but… fuck, I thought I’d be nervous but… I feel like I’m _not_ because its _you_ , and then I look up, and _fuck_ you look so fucking _into it-_ ” he _swore_ that Butcher let out a small growl as he latched onto Hughie’s throat and Hughie _moaned_ as he felt Butcher suck lightly at the senstive skin there, just as Hughie had done to him earlier. Butcher rested there a moment, still latched onto his neck but his teeth gentling as his tongue slipped out to sooth the spot he’d just bit, sucking gently. Hughie gasped for air as he kept whispering “holy shit”, feeling Butcher laugh darkly against him as he lifted his head to Hughie’s ear, whispering “now _that’s sexy,_ Hughie”.

Hughie heard his own name and pushed to move against Butcher, but the man still held his wrists above his head with one hand as Butcher’s other had left to hold the other side of Hughie’s neck, gripping ever so slightly, but never with any real pressure. And it was _making Hughie crazy._

Finally, _fucking finally,_ Butcher released his hands to unbutton his hawaiin shirt, and Hughie eagerly moved his own hands up to help him. It was a process as each button decided to be _difficult as fuck._ He kept hearing Butcher laugh against him whenever he struggled with a button and needed Butcher to help. As soon as Butcher’s shirt was removed though, he was _on Hughie,_ pulling up at Hughie’s old t-shirt.

“Fuck, so fuckin’ _sexy_ Hughie, _fuck”_ he whispered as Butcher yanked the shirt over his head, Hughie awkwardly lifting his hands to help position himself better for taking it off. As soon as it was over his head Butcher’s hands came to rest on his chest, his stomach, his shoulders. It felt like there was not _one part_ of his body Butcher _didn’t_ want to see.

“Told ya y’ere fuckin’ pretty, the fuck did I say” he mumbled against Hughie’s collarbone, as he’d lowered his lips to reach it. Hughie bit his lip to stop another embarrassing moan and he felt Butcher bite down again, tongue soothing the bite as he whispered against Hughie’s skin “don’ stop y’self, want ‘t hear ya”.

That time Hughie couldn’t have held back the moan even if he tried, and Butcher grinned manically up at him as he kissed Hughie’s shoulder, whispering a broken “fuck yeah” as his hands moved down to Hughie’s pants. He looked up at Hughie, as if asking permission, and Hughie simply nodded, unable to find words as Butcher pulled his pants down his thighs.

He was hard through his boxers. It was so obvious that he knew Butcher could tell. He squirmed a bit under Butcher’s gaze, and watched in rapt fascination as Butcher licked his lips staring down at him, seemingly frozen before-

Before he was taking his own pants off, unbuttoning them with deft hands, and Hughie’s _head fell back_ as he moaned. Hughie’s own hand moved down his body to his boxers, pushing a hand down the rim of the boxers as he took himself in his grip. Butcher just stared as he unzipped the jeans he wore.

“Thought about this so much, hadn’t felt that fir anyone since Becca and… fuck” he was shaking as he pulled his own pants down, leaving him in his own boxers as he pulled them down “yer literally wearing axe body spray right now and I still wanna fuck you-”

Hughie froze at those words, groaning but also looking up at him nervously. _Fuck, he hadn’t thought about fucking. Did he want that? Would it just be a total disaster? He’d never-_

_Never…_

Butcher didn’t even let him continue his thought process as he seemed to notice the concern in his eyes. Hughie’s deer in headlights look, and Butcher grinned sheepishly as he whispered “too much?”

“Um, not _too much_ , I mean, _damn what a sentence,_ if I had to rate it, I’d give it a ten out of ten, but… I don’t know if I’m-”

“Say n’more Hugh, told you your in charge, just want t’make you feel good”

“Then um. Could you take your boxers off and just. We can just. Fuck around and see what happens? We could kiss or something and-”

This was becoming an irritating habit for Hughie, yet he found it intoxicating. The two of them interrupting each other to keep the kiss going. Re-lighting the fire on and on. Hughie _loved it._ He _loved_ kissing Butcher, fuck-

“God, all the extra shit doesn’t matter, just know that I… I fucking love you, ok?”

“Fuck Hughie-”

He pulled his cock out of his boxers and gave himself a few strokes, and Butcher watched with rapt attention, lowering himself onto Hughie again as his hands moved up Hughie’s ribs. He lowered his head to Hughie’s chest as his mouth found one of his nipples, giving a tentative lick around the bud as Hughie’s head fell back at the feeling. 

Hughie kept stroking himself, hand moving a little quicker at the feel of Butcher’s tongue, and Butcher exhaled heavily against him as he felt Hughie moving his hand beneath his abdomen. He moved his head to Hughie’s other neglected bud, but this time his hand snaked down from feeling Hughie’s sides to moving between their hips. He lifted his own aching erection out of his boxers, giving himself a tight squeeze as he lowered his own dick next to Hughie’s, his hand leaving his own erection to grip over Hughie’s hand, lifting Hughie’s hand off their dicks so that he could position them correctly and-

“Fuck Hughie, you feel fuckin’... incredible, fuck-”

“Thanks, you too” Hughie said with an awkward laugh, clearly unsure of how to keep the dirty talk going, which normally would probably throw Butcher off, but it was just so fucking _endearing_ that Butcher wasn’t even phased. It was so _Hughie._ He giggled to himself as he mocked Hughie a bit, parroting his “thanks you too” in his best american accent (which is also his worst). Hughie laughed too before moaning as Butcher suddenly squeezed over Hughie’s hand, the pressure becoming tighter and Hughie exhaled shakily mid-laugh.

“Fuck Butcher, that’s”

“Yeah? Y’like that, Hugh?”  
  


He did. He really fucking did. Eventually Butcher began to stroke them both using Hughie’s hand, and _fuck_ \- the way Butcher’s hand just _engulfed_ his own was fucking _delicious._ He realistically shouldn’t be enjoying this. They most _definitely_ needed some lube next time, but he could already feel himself _leaking_ from the feel of their joined hands, and eventually Butcher lifted his own hand off and allowed Hughie to continue stroking them at his own pace. Butcher pushed Hughie back fully into the mattress as he rested his head in the crook of Hughie’s shoulder, his own hips beginning to move of his own accord. Butcher’s hand moved into Hughie’s hair and Hughie could feel the smile on his neck as Butcher just _yanked at it_ , and _holy fuck-_ Hughie felt himself get harder from the feel of his hair being pulled by Butcher. 

“ _Shit_ ” Hughie whispered as his own hips sped up “fucking shit, I… I _can’t-”_

“Fuck, me either… I’wanna… shit, fuckin’ wanna cum on your chest, is… is that ok Hugh-”

Ironically enough, that was all it took. That idea in his mind. Of Butcher just claiming him that way. God, it was that unevolved ape brain in him that made him climax from the meaning behind those words, and he threw his head back onto the mattress as Butcher lifted up to look at him, eyes wide from shock as he realized Hughie _came_ from that “holy fuck Hugh-, shit”

Hughie breathed heavily, eyes closing as he tried to catch his breath. He was so on cloud nine he managed to ignore the total mess he made of both their stomachs. Butcher seemed frozen, his own hand still gripping them both as Hughie went limp, shaking through the aftershock his orgasm. Butcher bit his lip.

“Please Hughie, fuck, can I do it, can I-”

Hughie looked up at him, giving a dopey grin and he whispered “yeah, do it” and that was all the invitation that Butcher needed. He began stroking himself at a breakneck pace as he bit his own lip, kneeling over Hughie again as he aimed for Hughie’s chest.

Hughie was so fucked out of his mind, and Butcher looked _so fucking good_ like that, Hughie couldn’t help himself.

“God, yeah, want you to give it to me Billy, fuck-”

Butcher’s eyes looked to him like a hawk as his hand sped up, and suddenly his chest was being painted as Hughie stared up at him in shock, grinning a little manically as he asked “oh my god, did that work for you? Was that appropriately sexy” he was laughing as he asked this, and Butcher just groaned at his words “god, you would fuckin’ ruin it right at the end, wouldn’t cha-” he whispered as he collapsed on top of Hughie, releasing them both, but still laying halfway on him as he splayed a hand around Hughie, pulling the man closer to his side as he tucked his head to the back of Hughie’s neck.

“What can I say, I’m just a total pussy magnet” he said with a laugh, and Butcher gave him the familiar roll of his eyes “being sexist now, Hugh?”

"Fine, a dick magnet then"

They both laughed and it was just _so fucking comfortable._ Like they’d done it a thousand times.

They stayed like that for a while. In that bubble. Eventually though, Hughie had to call it.

“We _need_ to shower Butcher, I feel _fucking disgusting_ right now, oh my god-”

“Roight, well we _can_ do that, but I'll tell ya now that if I see an axe body wash, I'll throw it in the dumpster right in front’a ya”

“Nah, I’m not a total monster, obviously I use _Old Spice”_

“Yeah, but the real question ‘s _when_ ya _started_ using _Old Spice_ ”

Hughie had a souring glare as he lifted himself off of Butcher and turned away as he dramatically shook his head “I don’t _need_ to tolerate that kind of abuse in my own home, if I wanted to I could _kick you out”_

“Yea, but y’won't” Hughie did grin at that, whispering a quiet “yeah, I don’t know, I think I’ll keep you around a bit. Definitely have to give the accent a ten out of ten though, that really did hit the spot during the ‘act’-”

“If you ever call it ‘the act’ again, I’ll fucking hit you with that axe, the dumpster is too good for you, I’swear… and hell, does the accent does it for ya, love?” he clearly whispered the ‘love’ as an over exaggerated joke as he lifted himself up with Hughie, pressing against his back as he gently kissed Hughie’s neck, but _god_ it made Hughie’s toes curl.. Hughie shivered. “God, the word ‘love’ just sounds wrong coming from you, it's way too _nice_ ”

“I can _be nice_ ” Butcher whispered slyly, and Hughie scoffed “yeah, and I can be a badass, we just have to put in _significant effort to do so”_

“Yeah, I’m sorry I was a right prick to you before… I didn’t know how to deal with… well, _you_ … and I honestly still don’t” Hughie knew this already. It still hurt a bit. Knowing this wasn’t _for him._ None of this was permanent. Butcher was clearly still too wounded for a relationship, and while these little moments were bliss, the big picture had a different scene. 

It was the wrong time. They both knew it.

Still, they got to indulge, if only this once.

Hughie basked in the feel of Butcher against him, pressing his head against Butcher’s hair. He could smell him so distinctly here, and it grounded him as his hand came to run through Butcher’s hair.

“I want you to know that… the new job? Annie? Everything? No matter what happens, I want you to know that _none of it_ means I’m leaving you, like… _at all._ Or that I love you any _less, ok?_ Even if we’re not like... _together,_ nothing changes, I… I still love you, ok? And I want to be there for you, and _I will be_ if… well, if you’ll have me…”

This was such a fucking weird situation. They both knew it. This was temporary. They weren’t going to pursue anything further but…

Hughie knew at this moment his Dad was right. _Temporary, but not pointless._ This relationship was one that Hughie needed to go through. He had grown so much this past year, and while his life had shifted dramatically because of it, here he was on the other end, a stronger person because of it. Hughie and Butcher both knew they’d never work. They were both a bit too chaotic. Hughie in all Hughie's sheer panic, and Butcher who acted like he was constantly going feral. It was a bad combo. Fuel added to a lapping flame. Yet the fire felt so warm in the moment, even though it would eventually burn you alive. But in this moment, Hughie had never felt so warm.

Butcher seemed to let out a shaky exhale against him as he pulled his head back to look at Hughie, running a hand through his hair

“O’course I’ll have you…”

Ant they would have each other. Even if _this_ wasn’t meant to last. They both knew that love wasn't going anywhere, despite that. Even if _this_ was just temporary, and Butcher would be back to his pessimistic ways the next day. But in that moment? Sitting there with Butcher's weight resting on him? All of it was bliss. 

  
  
  



End file.
